I can't get rid of you
by CoccinelleMenthol
Summary: It starts with Michael coming to Boston only to find Julia trying to save her marriage. But she finds it hard to do so with him around. For the ones who know me, you know I ship Julia and Michael very hard so you should only read this if you're okay with this pairing because this will be mainly about them.
1. That's not how I want to say goodbye

I knew it would be hard to face you. That's why I didn't want them to hire you back, that's why I threatened to quit. But they wouldn't hear me. They didn't understand that my heart would be torn between you and Frank and that I might take a foolish decision once again. Derek thinks that it's irrelevant. Eileen thinks that I was the one to make the mistake and that I shouldn't keep you from saving the show. Tom thinks I should put the show first. Frank thinks I should be able to ignore you.

They're all wrong. I already knew it and you're just proving me that.

Derek is wrong, you're standing there and telling me you came back for me, so it's all but irrelevant.

Eileen is wrong, the show doesn't need you to save it. I'm not saying you're not a wonderful singer and actor, because you are. You're one of the best I've ever had the chance to see. I'm just saying that somebody else could have done it. Rebecca is not that great anyway, you singing perfectly next to her is only going to make her sound worse.

Tom is wrong, my family is more important than the show, that any show actually, no matter how good they are. I finally understood that. Someone could step in for me and I could always write something else, whereas Frank and Leo are all I have. I wouldn't break if I didn't get to send Marilyn on Broadway but I would break if my family rejected me. This time when Frank disappeared after he found out about us, I thought I was going to die. I don't want to have to go through that ever again.

And most importantly of all Frank is wrong. I can't resist you. I don't know what the matter with me is, but you're standing right there in front of me, and I know I should push you away, but all I seem to want is to pull you closer and give in to your kisses. I want to feel your lips brushing against mine. I want to feel your hands everywhere on my body, your fingers lingering in places where you know it's driving me crazy. I want to feel your breath against my skin when you whisper sweet words to me while we're making love. There truly is something magnetic about you. You're not even standing that close and I'm already quivering with desire, anticipating everything you could do to me. You don't even have to touch me.

But I can't have that. I'm pushing you away because we both decided to work on our families and we can't give up now. You know I'm right. Why are you giving me that look? It looks as if I was plunging a knife right into your heart. You can't give me that look. You know I can't stand to see you hurting. I have to stop looking into your eyes. They've always been the key to my surrender. I see the love in them and I give up the fight, because it mirrors what I feel and I can't keep up the fight against it.

Yes, I said love. Because that's what it is. There is no use in denying it. I made my peace with it. I'm in love with somebody else than my husband and it's wrong but that's what it is, it's love. I won't ever say it to you though. You might get too confident. You might think that you really have a chance with me, although you don't. Me loving you doesn't mean I love him any less. Or maybe it does. If I'm honest maybe I love him less, but you'll never know that. I'm not even sure of it myself. A small part of me is telling me that it's the truth but the rest of me doesn't want to believe it.

I take my eyes away from you and look behind you. And suddenly I can't catch my breath. You take it as a sign of me succumbing to your words but you're wrong. I can't catch my breath because Frank is standing on the stairs behind you and he's watching us. He is not moving in the slightest. Just watching. He doesn't see that I can see him. I guess he is trying to figure out if I'm really done with you, like I have told him I am.

I have to show him that I'm over you. But I can't do that by standing so close to you. It's too dangerous, I might just give in and he would be front row seeing this. It would be the end of my marriage. I've got to get out of here.

I tempt to escape you and run towards the stairs but you grab my wrist. You're not done with me. You know as well as I do that I want you badly. What you don't know is that I'm being watched by my husband. This time you won't get what you want. But it doesn't keep you from begging and it doesn't keep my heart from clutching at your words.

"Jules, don't run away." Jules, I love when you call me Jules. You're the only one to call me that, do you know that? You always had and you always will. I'll never let anybody else use that nickname. It's the only thing that I can let you have. I'm Frank's but Jules is yours.

But today it doesn't matter that you call me that, today I'll stay strong and walk towards my husband. I pull my wrist away from your grasp. Your eyes are filled with pain and now it feels like you're the one stabbing me. Why are you doing this to me? Why did you come back?

"I'm sorry." It escaped my lips. The feeling of rejection I could read on your face was just too much to handle. It was stupid. Now you think you got to me. And you did, but I don't want you to think that. You lean closer and your lips reach for a kiss and I almost let it happen because you're so intoxicating and at that point I would kill for your lips on mine. But then I remember that Frank is watching us and I take one step back. You don't know how much it's killing me to do that. Probably just as much as it is for you to watch me do that.

You try to grab my hand but suddenly you're on the floor. Frank just punched you. I didn't see him approaching you. I guess he found that you were being too persistent. For what it's worth I didn't think you were. You saw behind the mask I was putting on and you tried to make me do what I really wanted to. But I can't tell you that now, and I probably never should. Frank is my husband and I should stand by his side, even when he's yelling at you and punching you.

"Stay away from her! Can't you see she doesn't want you?" It hurts. You don't know how much it hurts. He shouldn't have punched you. I want to scream. I want to rush by your side and kiss you where he just hit you. I want to tell you that I want you, that Frank has no idea what he is talking about. But I can't. That would ruin my family. So I just stand there, fighting back the tears that are threatening to pour. I can see your eyes swelling too. You're fighting the tears too. What have we done? How did we get here?

But you don't want to cry in front of him. You don't want to give him the satisfaction. Or maybe you know that if you cry, I'll cry too, and that it would be the end of me. I know you wish Frank would be out of the picture but I also know that you respect the fact that I want to stay with him. I've always told you that he was what I needed to be happy and all you want is my happiness. Believe me, I know. And I love you even more for that.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come, it was all a big mistake. I don't know what I was thinking." And just like that, you walk away. I know you're lying. If there is one thing I've learned in the past five years is that words have never been reliable in our relationship (or whatever you want to call it, I don't really care, for me it's a relationship, when there are so much feelings involved, it's a relationship). We're far too often saying exactly the opposite of what we want to say.

Frank grabs my hand and we walk away too, in the opposite direction. His hand is cold compared to the heat that was radiating from your body, I want to pull away but I can't. I see that he is deep in his thoughts so, without him noticing, I turn my head towards your back walking out. You do the same and for one second I can swear that, just like me, there is one single tear running down your cheek. I close my eyes and, before wiping off the tear, pray that it's not the last time I see you. That's not how I want to say goodbye. Hell, I'm not even sure I want to say goodbye.


	2. Please don't go

**I would like to thank everyone who takes the time of reading this story. It means a lot to me. And what would make my day even better is you reviewing it. I'm open to criticisms, if it allows me to get better. I'll try to post a new chapter every Sunday, so please, stick with me and tell me what you think!**

I was coming out of Eileen's office when I bumped into you. She wanted to know how far I was in the writing of the new ending and I couldn't tell her the truth. I couldn't tell her that I hadn't written anything yet. That every time I would look at the blank paper it wouldn't be words that would appear on it, as it usually did, but faces. I would suddenly see everyone. Tom, Frank, Leo, Derek, Eileen... and you. And all the faces would be looking at me angrily... except yours. You would only look at me sadly. And all the faces would yell at me... except yours. You would just watch me in silence, always with those sad eyes. And all I would want is for the faces to go away... except yours. It's stupid, really. You're the only one whose disappearance could fix the problem. But I want to keep you forever by my side. It sounds cheesy, doesn't it? But you don't have to worry about that because I'll never tell you.

Whenever that happens I close my eyes and all the faces disappear, yours too. I take a break and talk with someone. It's usually work-related. Everyone knows that they would be walking on eggs if they were to get into a personal topic with me. And I don't mind, it takes my mind off of everything for a while. But as soon as I go back to my sheets of paper, the faces come back. I guess that it's what Leo and Frank meant when they said I couldn't separate my private life from my professional life. I wish I could. That way I wouldn't be turning my career into the same disaster as my personal life. But I can't.

I lied to Eileen. I told her that I had already written half of the song and that I was working on the other half with Tom. I don't know how she bought it. I'm not even talking with Tom anymore. I went to see him yesterday after that whole debacle when Frank punched you. I was upset and I said a lot of things that I probably shouldn't have said. And he did too. And whereas before I thought that he might be the one helping me through all the mess that my stupid heart has created, now I'm not sure of it anymore.

Frank says that church will fix everything but he doesn't know the half of it. I'm not sure I'll be able to fix anything this time. Tom and I might be over and it's not even what hurts the most. What hurts the most is knowing that you might leave the show. Ironic, isn't it? A few days ago I was doing everything that I could so that you would never come back into my life again and now I can't handle the idea of you leaving the show one more time. And nobody would understand what happened in between. I don't even understand myself. I must be crazy.

When you realize it's me you just bumped into, you suddenly seem nervous. You begin to walk away. You probably think that I meant it when I pushed you away yesterday. And I should probably let you think that. That would be an easy way out of all of this. But when it comes to you I never take the right decisions and I can't see why it should be any different today, so I grab your wrist and force you to look at me.

God, you look awful. And I don't mean it in a wrong way. It's just that it hits me. I can see on your face how much I'm ruining your life. Your jaw is swollen and it has a weird shade. I know that Frank did that to you, but indirectly it feels like I did that to you. Your eyes are small and tired. You look exhausted and I know that it's not because you work too much on the show. I've worked with you for a long time and I know you're up for the job. You're one of the most resistant actors I know. It's just that I've broken you. I don't want to seem too self-absorbed but I'm afraid I'm the one keeping you up at night. But maybe I'm just projecting because I can't get any sleep and it's because of you, because of what happened between us and because of what is still happening between us.

"Michael, are you okay?"

"Yeah." I know you don't mean it but it's a start. After everything that has happened I don't expect you to pour your heart out for me. It would be kind of reckless of you and I wouldn't know what to say back anyway. You lower your eyes, you can't look at me anymore. Trust me, I get it. I'm always blowing hot and cold, even if I know I shouldn't. I don't do it on purpose, I hope you know that. It's just that I'm a mess. I am lost between what I should do and what I want to do, and, believe me, being stuck in the middle is not a happy place.

"I just wanted you to know... I'm sorry about yesterday." Your eyes are back on me. I got your attention. I can't lose it. "I didn't mean any of it. Frank was watching." Why am I doing this? Isn't it just making everything worse? You look confused. You stare at me for a few minutes before starting to speak.

"Alright. But where does it leave us? You won't leave him and we can't do this anymore. Why are we still talking about it then?"

You got me. You noticed the absurdity of my behaviour. What more can I say? It's my turn to lower my eyes and look embarrassed. I'm acting like a spoiled child. I want everything at once. I want my family, I want you, I want the show to be a success, I want a best friend who supports me through all of this. But I can't have it all. I can't have you and Frank. "I don't know."

You throw your arms as a sign of surrender. "That's why I'm telling Eileen that I quit. That's what I should have done from the start. You won't be seeing anymore of me, I'll be gone by the end of the week."

No. You can't do that to me. I had guessed that it was what you were going to do but you can't. I don't have any reasons to give you except that I'm selfish. I want you by my side. Always. My voice is low, the tears aren't very far, but I know you can hear me. "Please don't go." I flee your eyes. I'm ashamed of how much I need you and of how much I'm asking from you. I know you won't be able to resist if I beg you to stay. I'm keeping you from moving on with your life and I have nothing to offer you in exchange. I'm horrible, I know.

"But Jules, what's the point?" There is no point, I just want you there, that's all. You know why. I don't have to voice the feelings I have for you, you know them, don't you?

"Please..." I take your hand and it sends a shiver through both of our bodies. Our eyes meet and I don't know what we're doing but I can feel butterflies in my stomach.

Fortunately, or at least that's one way of looking at it, we'll never find out. Eileen opens her door and I let go of your hand before she can notice anything. She already knows too much about all of this and she is not really my biggest fan at the moment. "Michael, you wanted to see me?"

You look into my pleading eyes, hesitating for one second, and a polite smile makes its way to your face. "No, I'm fine."

"You're sure, you said you wanted to talk to me about something important?"

"It turns out that it wasn't that important. I'll see you both in rehearsal." And you leave. I have to bite the inside of my cheeks not to smile too widely. I can't let Eileen find out about that. I can't let anybody find out about that. Once she's gone though, I stop fighting it. I just smile naïvely at nothing in particular. You're not leaving. I will still get to see you everyday.


	3. I need you right here and right now

**Here comes Sunday and here comes a new chapter. I hope you'll like it. Please comment!**

Frank is leaving tonight. I shouldn't be so excited. He is my husband, I should be sad of seeing him go back to New York with Leo because spring break is over. But I'm happy. Things have been too awkward with him around. He makes me feel guilty all the time. Everytime that I'm with you he is there to remind me that I shouldn't talk to you that much and that I shouldn't look at you that much either. And when I'm not with you he makes me feel guilty too. It's as if he could hear my thoughts. He knows that I'm thinking about you and he gives me that look. I don't know if our marriage can survive you.

I know your marriage hasn't survived me. You told me today that Monica left you because you told her about us. I don't know how you found the guts to tell her and how much exactly you did tell her. But it was probably a lot if she flew all the way to Seattle, taking Artie with her. I love you for telling her the truth. You're way more honest than I'll ever be. It makes me hate myself for living in the lie that my marriage has become. If I were as honest as you are, I would tell Frank that you weren't just a mistake, that I love you and that you took the first place in my heart. But I'm not even admitting that to myself. How could I admit it to him or to you?

So I live in this lie, but I'm more and more miserable every day. I keep telling myself that I'm doing what's best for my family. That I'm staying because I love Leo, and because Frank has always been the perfect husband. But I don't know if me being miserable in a marriage I don't care for anymore is really fair on Leo. I might be resenting him for it one day and you can trust me when I tell you that it's the last thing I want to do. I'm not sure it's fair for Frank either. He hasn't done anything to deserve a wife who can't stop thinking about another man. He would probably be better off without me. But I don't have the courage to take that step that would set me free. I'm a coward who is scared of change, even if that change would involve you. The unknown scares me. Maybe I'm not happy in this marriage anymore, or at least not as happy as I think I would be with you, but it's all I've known for eighteen years. I wouldn't know how to live without it.

Once the performance was over I walked to the train station with Frank and Leo. We talked about the show and how great Karen was in it but soon we ran out of things to say and we just walked in silence. Leo tried to fill that silence with insignificant words but he could see that we weren't really paying attention to what he was saying. When I tell you that my family is broken, I'm not lying. I think we are all aware of that now. It's just that we are three cowards who don't have the guts to talk about it.

I promised everyone that I would join the cast and productive team for a celebration party later in the evening, but that silent walk to the station has taken out of me every desire of partying, if I ever had one in the beginning. So I'm just walking to my hotel room, fighting back tears of frustration from not being able to make my life any better. Once I reach it, I close the door behind me and slide down the wall, burying my head in my knees, finally letting go of all the tears that wouldn't disappear. Here I am, alone in my hotel room, sobbing in the dark, feeling more lonely than I ever have. How did my life become such a disaster?

But I don't get the chance to delve into that because I hear a knock on my door. My thoughts immediately go towards Tom. From the glances I exchanged with him during the representation, it looks as if we are ready to make up and it would be logical for him to come and knock on my door. I slowly get on my feet, not even bothering to wipe away the tears on my cheeks. Tom can handle it. But when I finally open my door I suddenly wish I had bothered to wipe them away. Tom isn't standing there, you are.

You start to say something but I don't hear it and you stop as soon as you notice how much of a wreck I look like. "Julia, are you alright?"

But I can't find any words to form an answer and once again I burst into tears. You don't think twice before coming into my room, closing the door behind you and wrapping your arms around me, holding me tight against your chest. And I just let go of all the tears I have in me while you rub soothing circles on my back. You don't say anything, you just let me calm down on my own. When you feel like the sobs have quieted down you put your fingers under my chin and you force me to look at you. "What happened, Jules?"

Nothing happened. And nothing will ever happen because I'm the weakest person on earth and I can't even face the fact that my marriage is over. But I don't want to think about that anymore. I want to revel in the heat emanating from your body, in the softness of your skin.

I want you.

I lean in and capture your lips with my own, kissing you softly. You're too surprised to react. I start playing with the hem of your shirt, my fingers sliding under it. I leave your lips and start planting sweet kisses on your bruised jaw and finally make my way to your neck.

"Jules, what are you doing?"  
"I'm kissing you." I'm not holding back anymore. You don't know for how long I've been dreaming to do that. I missed you so much. Every part of me has missed you. You let me take off your shirt and my lips travel on your chest, enjoying every single inch of it.

"Are you sure you want to do that?"  
I raise my head for a second so that you can see in my eyes how much I mean it. "I know I shouldn't, but believe me, I'm sure I want to do that." I'm on my knees now, playing with your belt.

"I should stop you from doing that, shouldn't I?"  
"Yes, you should. But please don't." I take off your belt and slide your pants down. You can't do anything to stop me anymore. You want this just as much as I do and you don't have that much self-control. I know you've dreamt about this too and you can't just push me away. Or at least that's what I'm wishing for. Don't think you would be taking advantage of me. I know that I don't look like myself right now but I'm more like myself than I've ever been in the past few weeks. Please, don't think about this too much. I need you right here and right now.

You take my head in your hands and force me back up, and just when I think that you're going to push me away and tell me that we can't do this, you press your lips against mine and push me against the bed where we both fall.

Soon, my clothes join yours on the floor and I can't tell you how happy I am that Frank left today. That moment when I was sobbing in the dark is long forgotten. I'm not alone anymore, you're here with me and you know exactly what to do to make me feel better. You are my knight in shining armor, the one who will always know how to make me happy.

I don't know why you came into my room that night. You would tell me later that people were looking for me at the party and that you offered to go and ask me to come and join all of you, but I like to think that you felt how bad I needed you and how desperate I was, and that you came to my rescue. I like to think that we're connected on some higher level. That we have something special, which we don't have with others, that links us together. But I probably want to think that because it would make me less of a bad person and more of the heroin of some romance novel. If what we have is something so special that it can't be ignored, then I'm not the worst person on earth for cheating on my perfect husband.

But I know I'm deluding myself. What I'm doing with you is wrong, no matter how good it feels. I've broken my vows so many times with you that it's not just a simple mistake anymore, it became something much worse. And yet, I can't seem to stop. I feel so good in your arms that I never want to get out of it. And so we spend the entire night like that, our naked bodies perfectly intertwined with each other and your arms wrapped around me, as if you were trying to protect me against all the dangers of the world outside. And for one night, I believe that you can.


	4. Within my heart it feels right

**Here comes the aftermath of one perfect night, and it's time to face Tom. You would really make me more than happy if you would leave comments, even if it's only one word. I'm dying to know what you think of the story so far!**

I don't hear the knock on my door. I am sleeping too peacefully. To be honest I haven't slept that well in a really long time and I would have spent the most amazing morning waking up by your side if it hadn't been for that knock. If it hadn't been Tom at the door we could have lived in that dream we entered last night a little longer. But there is no use in over-thinking it. It's Tom at the door and he has the key to my room. He has come to apologize about all the tension between him and me and he is not ready to walk away so he uses the key. Oh, how I wish he hadn't used it. How I wish he would have decided to come back later and just let me sleep. But no, he had to use that key and push the door open.

There is a big smile on his face. It's the smile which is supposed to seal our reconciliation but which never will, because as soon as he sees that I'm not the only person sleeping in that bed, the smile disappears. It's an angry face that takes over. He instantly recognizes your naked body around me and there is no mistaking what happened for something else. Our intertwined bodies and our clothes discarded on the floor tell the whole story of what happened last night. And that's something Tom can't stand.

Our fight began because I didn't want to see you anymore and Tom wanted to hire you back anyway. Even if we are hiding it behind bigger themes, you are the whole reason we are fighting. The fact is that Tom never understood why I would keep falling into your arms when I had that awesome family. And he blames me so much for not resisting you. He thinks I'm not trying. He thinks I don't listen to him and all the reasons I have to stay away from you. But I do, I try to stay away from you. But I can't, and frankly I don't want to anymore. Why should I be keeping myself away from you when giving in gives me as much pleasure as it did last night? The truth is that the moments I spend with you are the best memories I'll ever have.

But he doesn't understand that because he has morals. He has a conscience, whereas you made mine jump out the window. And maybe because my family is a little bit his too. He has always suffered of not having a family of his own. I saw how attached he got to mine. Leo is like a son to him. And he hates that I'm ruining it all. He takes it personally, whereas he shouldn't.

So when he sees us both lying there naked, he can't just let it go and walk away as if nothing had ever happened. He slams the door hard behind him to wake us up and stands next to it, arms crossed over his chest and eyes on us. We both jump at the sound, confused at first and then horrified when we see him looking at us. We weren't expecting to wake up to that angry look.

You glance at me for a second and I don't even need to utter any word. You know that you should let me talk with Tom, that you being here will only make things worse. I have to deal with Tom myself. So you quickly get up from the bed, trying to cover yourself and looking for all your pieces of clothing. When you finally find them you don't even bother putting on your shirt. You see that Tom is about to explode and you know you shouldn't hang in there any longer. You look at me for a few seconds before closing the door and I hope you're not thinking that I'm throwing you out because I regret last night. I don't. You didn't take advantage of me or anything, I wanted this. But I can't say that to you while Tom is giving me that look.

I wish I could do just what you did. Grab my clothes and run at the door. But I know I can't, it's time for me to face what I did. And I should be thankful that it's just Tom, it could have been Frank. So I just pull the sheets over my chest and sit up.

Tom and I are staring at each other without saying anything. What could I say? I can see that he is mad and honestly I don't think there is anything I could say to make him feel better.

Finally he breaks off the silence, without breaking eye contact. "What the hell, Julia?!"  
I don't know what to say to that so I just stay silent, but he is not done.

"You told me it was over. You told me you wouldn't even talk to him if you didn't have to. You told me that he was all a mistake and that you were trying to fix your family. And now Frank hasn't even left for five minutes and you're already in bed with him, in the same bed you and Frank shared for two weeks?"

I feel the tears from last night coming back. I don't know why I'm being so emotive lately. It's probably due to all the pressure surrounding me lately. Between my family, the show, you and my friendship with Tom, I'm just pulled in too many different directions. Everyone expects different things from me and it's just too much. I think I'm gonna break. The constant crying is probably a sign. If something doesn't change soon, I'll probably just explode.

Finally words come out of my mouth. My voice is really low but the silence is so thick that it doesn't feel like I'm speaking in such a desperate small voice. "I tried... I swear that I tried to fix my family. But there is nothing to fix anymore. We're broken beyond repair. I am broken beyond repair. Frank will never be able to trust me again and everytime he looks at me my heart clenches because I can see that he is trying to find back what he loved so much about me and he can't find it anymore. On some level I probably still love him, but I think that what I love the most is the idea of the family we are, or rather the family we were, because now we're just awkward around each other. There is no real love anymore."

Tom doesn't look so mad anymore. Even if he disagrees with my recent actions he still loves me very much and he can't stand to see me hurting. He slowly comes to sit next to me, takes the hand that is resting on my lap and lightly squeezes it. "You should have told me. You know I would have been there for you."

I lower my eyes towards my lap and our intertwined fingers. "But you weren't there." I pull my hand away from his and for a few seconds we just let the silence settle between us. We are both thinking the same thing, that fight was stupid and we should never have let anything come between us. Our friendship is supposed to be better than that. We're supposed to be there for each other, no matter what. "Michael was there."

I raise my eyes again and I can see that my words are hurting him. His expression stiffens. "Still, you shouldn't have slept with him. It doesn't matter that your marriage is crumbling, you're still married."

I could let it go and tell him that he is right, because honestly he is. But he is my best friend and I want to tell him what's on my heart. If there is somebody with whom I should be able to talk about you, that's him. Hopefully he will help me figure everything out. "I know I shouldn't. I don't know how to explain it but... he makes me feel... I don't know what he makes me feel. He just makes me feel. When I am with him nothing else matters. I feel like I belong somewhere and that somewhere is in his arms. I know you don't approve, my brain doesn't approve either. But within my heart it feels so right."

We stay silent for a moment, the revelation dawning on us. Or rather on him, because as for myself I will need more time to get there. I love you. Or at least that's what Tom's conclusion is. And it leaves him speechless because he wasn't expecting that, and because it makes everything even more complicated that it already was. So he finally does what he does best. He wraps his arms around me and holds on tightly. I let my head rest on his shoulder, and suddenly it feels as if we never fought. He is my best friend and he is there for me. That how it should have always been and that's how it should always be.

"You've put yourself into one giant mess." He states and I let go of a little laugh, because that's the least he can say. He laughs too and we are the best illustration of the saying 'better to laugh than to cry'. He finally lets go of me and as he pulls back he grabs both my hands. "You've got to figure everything out with Frank before you do anything with Michael. This is the only way you can make this right." He looks me straight in the eye and I nod, because he is completely right. By sleeping with you while I'm still married to Frank, I'm not being fair to either one of you. You both deserve better.

Tom gives me a genuine smile, glad that we could talk about this and finally go back to normal. Or at least to something next to normal, because the only thing we fixed that day was our friendship. He gently pecks my lips before leaving the room and letting me get ready for one big day of rehearsal.


	5. This isn't too much to ask, right?

**I won't lie to you, this chapter isn't one of my best. It's more to set a background to the rest of the story. I hope you'll like it anyway. And now I'll let you read.**

A few days go by and you don't push me for more than what I gave you that night. You used to be pushy when you still had to convince me that I wanted you. Now you know you convinced me. You see it in my eyes. You are just letting me time to figure everything out in my life, because you know that eventually I'll come running back to you. I don't really know how we came to that conclusion, but it's there, up in the air, when we look at each other. There is that conviction that we will end up together, no matter what it takes.

I have tried to tell Frank because honestly I can't wait any longer to have you. Ever since that night my whole body burns for you. It wants more than just the memory of your hands, lips and tongue running over it. It wants the real thing, over and over again. Not just some desperate night, but an eternity of endless nights. And I'm just talking about what my body wants here, because you can't even begin to picture what my heart wants. Words would not be enough to describe it.

But I made a promise, to Tom and to myself. I can't have you until I've sorted everything out with Frank. That's why I wanted to spend the weekend in New York. I wanted to talk to Frank about the way I feel. About our marriage, about you, about my future, about everything. And I can't just do it on the phone so this weekend seemed like the perfect idea. Except it wasn't because he told me he was going camping with his students. Which I found weird after spring break and for a chemistry teacher, but I tried not to take it as a sign of God that I shouldn't do what I intended to do. It would just have to wait until we all got back to New York at the end of this week.

There was just one more week to wait.  
Except there wasn't, and I was about to learn that from you.

You are coming towards me, and I can see that your smile is forced. You can't hide this from me, the same way I can't hide anything from you. Our faces are like open books for whoever knows how to read them. And right now I can see that you are trying to cover up something that bothers you. It doesn't take you a very long time to give in to my inquisitive look. After our usual greeting you tell me that there is something you've got to tell me and we find an isolate bench.

"Monica called." You pause for a minute and I don't say anything. I am nervous about what is coming next. Monica makes me nervous. She is still your wife and you have a kid with her. The way I understood it, she was the one to ask for a separation, and I can't help but worry about the fact that she might calm down some day and change her mind. Would you go back to your family then? I know I've already done that to you, so I couldn't blame you. But it doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt, because it would. It definitely would.

"She wants me to see Artie." A huge smile appears on my lips, but you go on and the smile fades away. "But not in New York, in Seattle. She wants me to go there for three weeks. She says it's the only chance she will give me to spend time with him."

I can see the conflicted feelings on your face and I don't know what to say. It's great that you'll be able to see your son. I know you are missing him a little more every passing day and you don't deserve to be deprived of him. You should grab every chance you get to spend time with him, even if it means flying all across the country. And I know you'll do it. But I can't pretend that I am not at least a little bit sad about you leaving for three weeks, especially when this was supposed to be the first three weeks of our life together. Of course some could argue that three more weeks is nothing when we've already been waiting for so long, but they are wrong. When you know the end of the waiting period is coming, you don't want to push it back to later. The last days before you reach your goal are the worst, the longest. And then you want to add 21 more?

Still, I don't want to bother you with my disappointment. You should enjoy the chance you've been given of seeing your son. "That's great that you get to see Artie. I'm happy for you." I offer you a bright smile, trying to cover up the feelings I am really experiencing, who are everything but happiness. But like I said before our faces are like open books to one another and you instantly know that I'm lying. You don't even need to look at my face, you knew it even before telling me the news because you are feeling exactly the same way.

I want to hate Monica so much for this. She obviously didn't do it for practical reasons. It's all about punishing you. She knows that your whole life is in New York's area and that it's particularly hard for you to leave the city, especially when you're working on a musical (which is all the time since theatre is our life). And then she knows that I'm in New York, working with you and she knows all too well what's going to happen. Honestly I understand why she is doing what she is doing and I shouldn't be mad at her because she has every reason to ask what she asks of you. But then it means that I should put the blame on us for being the ones to hurt her so much in the first place, and that's something I am sick of doing. So I just keep the blame on her and direct all my anger towards her, no matter how unfair this is.

"You could come, you know." You said it like that, because you didn't know what else to say, and I laugh. We both know I could never come. Your lips turn upwards too because you realize what a ridiculous thing to say that is.

"Yeah, because we both know that Monica would be delighted to see me there." And now we are both laughing imagining what it would be like if I was to come with you. It's not really funny but I guess sometimes you just need to laugh.

When we both calm down, I look you in the eye, more serious. "Did you talk with Eileen about all of that? Is she okay with you leaving the show for three weeks?"

"I talked to her earlier and she is fine with it. It will just be rehearsals anyway and I don't have that much numbers. They can just keep the ones I'm in for later and practice the others in the meantime."

I put a playful smile on. I love how lately the tension between us has disappeared and we are able to talk the way we talked to each other five years ago. "Are you complaining about how many numbers you have? Because the only way that you could have more is to actually be playing Marilyn herself. And I can't really picture you with the blond wig."

"Really? You don't think I'd be an awesome Marilyn?"  
"Not even close to it."  
"You're destroying all my dreams... I was going to enter the battle between Ivy and Karen and steal the part from under their nose. I thought my master plan had no flaws!"

We both laugh together. We're just being stupid but it doesn't matter. I like being stupid with you. It feels my heart with happiness and there is nothing stupid about that. But every good thing must come to an end so once again my smile is replaced by a more serious face. "And when are you leaving?"

Your expression turns more serious too and you grab my hand before squeezing it lightly. "About that. There is something I want to ask you and you have to promise me that you will consider it and not reject the idea too quickly."

You are making me curious and even if I don't want to promise you that because I have no idea what I'm getting myself into, I do it anyway because I want to know what you're about to ask.

"I told Eileen that I would be leaving on Friday but I booked my plane on Saturday. I thought that we could spend a day together."  
"What do you mean? We're together every day."  
"I want a day _with you_. A whole day where we could spend time together just the two of us. You could make up some excuse and come back to New York on Friday instead of Saturday like the rest of the production and we could have that day together."  
"Michael, I can't do that until I've talked to Frank."  
"You promised you wouldn't instantly reject the idea. Think about it. We could remember that perfect day for the three weeks during which we won't see each other. Wouldn't you like to spend that day with me?" I don't say anything and your gaze intensifies. "Tell me you wouldn't like it."

I can't tell you that because honestly one entire day to be spent only with you is one of my craziest dreams. It doesn't even matter what we would do because we would be together and for a day we could pretend to be a normal couple, just two persons loving each other more than anything. We would get lost into the crowd and nobody would even recognize us. We would just hold hands and wander through the streets of New York. But that is just a dream, we can't really do that, can we?

You take my silence as a sign of acceptance and you get up without leaving me the chance to reject your unrealistic idea. "Meet me on Friday at 11am on the rocks of the Brooklyn Bridge Park."  
And you lean in to kiss me but I put my hand on your lips. "It's not Friday yet."

I get up and walk away. I know I shouldn't have accepted your offer. I had promised not to act on my feelings before talking to Frank. But you're leaving and it changes everything. I couldn't say no. You know how hard this is for me to say no to you.

One day. We are just asking for one day. This isn't too much to ask, right?

**Don't forget to review. You would have my eternal gratitude! **


	6. Today you're the one to make the call

**Hi everyone! Here is part 1 of Michael & Julia's day. I hope you'll like it! I had planned to do only one chapter but it was already long by the time they were having lunch so I decided to wait for the next chapter to write about the rest of their date. I hope you'll stick with me. And please tell me what you think and what you want to happen for them next! =)**

I'm standing next to the water in the park where you told me to meet you and I'm starting to get cold feet. What am I doing? Why did I come today? You didn't even have to use that many arguments and I was already won over by your idea. Maybe it's because I'm not able to think straight when I'm near you. I'm only thinking about spending more time with you and the consequences are far away from my mind. But what if we get caught today? I'm still married to Frank and I don't want to hurt him anymore. And that wouldn't be only hurting him. I'm not sure Tom would forgive me either. I promised him I would wait and here I am.

Here I am, watching the skyline piercing that grey sky. Here I am, watching the river crushing down the rocks. Here I am, watching the Brooklyn Bridge being as majestic as always. And memories came flooding back. I'm sure that you chose that place for a reason. You knew that I would remember that first kiss and all the promises it was bringing. I was already married then but you made me forget about it. You got me thinking about a bright future with you. You made me see how I could find happiness again in the arms of a man. Not that I was unhappy with Frank but that passion we had was gone. It wasn't so much of a romantic relationship anymore as an affectionate friendship. But you were passion, you were love, you were everything I had been waiting for.

But you were also my downfall. You blew up the only family I had ever known and I want to hate you so much for that. If you had never showed me what another man could bring me, I would never have realized how unfulfilling my relationship with Frank was. After you entered my life I couldn't help but compare the two of you and that's a mistake I should never have made. That was the beginning of the end for my perfectly happy family.

But suddenly my thoughts are cut short because I feel arms wrapping themselves around my waist. I don't even have to turn the head, I know that it's you. I could recognise your smell among any other one. A smile instantly makes its way to my lips. A few seconds ago I hated you, but that's gone now because you're here and I know that I can't do anything else but love you. You press your chest against my back and I realize that I was shivering before. But you surround me with your heat and I can't feel the cold breeze anymore. I feel your breath on my neck and close my eyes briefly to enjoy the moment.

When I open them again, you've turned me around and you push away the strands of hair that the wind has brought over my face. You look at me for a few seconds before planting a tender kiss on my lips. When you finally let go, I blush slightly.

"Michael, we're in a park in Brooklyn. People could see us."  
"It's a grey and cold day, I don't think that anybody will wander the streets of New York looking for a Broadway actor and a Broadway lyricist. It's not as if we were big movie stars!"

And even if I know that you are way more famous in New York that you want to admit, I want to believe you. Today I don't want to worry about the looks of others. Today I don't want to think about anything but us. It feels so good to think about 'only us', as if that us really meant something, as if it could really exists without all the people surrounding it, the ones to whom we had actually promised to be an 'us' till death do us part. Today I want to promise you that I won't be thinking of them. I will only be thinking of you and us, no matter how wrong it sounds.

"Speaking of that, what are we doing outside on that grey and cold day?"  
"Well, I recall that you're always complaining about never having the time to actually enjoy a walk in Manhattan so I thought that today we could take the time."  
"But we're not in Manhattan."  
"You got me there. I just wanted to take a detour and walk over the Brooklyn Bridge."

I offer you a smile as I see the memories floating around your brain through your eyes. It means that I was right. You picking that place definitely wasn't a coïncidence. But you probably didn't choose the weather though because it's horribly cold to be walking around.

"If you don't want me to freeze to death, you should just stop thinking and start walking with me."  
"Alright, let's go then. You freezing to death isn't a part of my plan for today."  
"Because you have a multiple-parts plan for today?"  
"I might have. You'll see."  
"You know I don't like surprises."  
"I'm sure you will like that one."

I just let it go because I trust you. And I don't really care what we do anyway, as long as we're together. Oh gosh, I'm starting to sound really cheesy. You definitely have a weird effect on me. Let's just start walking and hopefully I won't let out any more of these cliches that people throw around.

When we're finally walking on that famous bridge, we just stop talking. I don't know why, it just seems like the appropriate thing to do at the time. Both our minds think back on what happened five years ago and how great it was before I backed out of it all and pushed you to date Monica. Somehow you try to intertwine your little finger with mine, as we did many years ago. But this time I intertwine all my fingers with yours and we both hold on tightly, this gesture meaning much more to us than to the few tourists taking pictures from the bridge.

We both want to stop and share one more kiss on the Brooklyn Bridge, but we both know it would be going too far, so we don't. It's one thing to walk hand in hand but to kiss in public would be tempting the devil. We would just be asking to get caught. So we just look at each other and it feels like we kissed. Sometimes I feel as if your eyes had special powers. Nobody could never understand the impact they have on me. Even to me, that's a mystery.

When we're finally at the other end of the bridge, the tension goes away. We hadn't fully realized it but we had been holding our breath through it all. It doesn't necessarily mean that it was a bad thing. It's just that reliving our past isn't that easy. We both screwed up many times. Hopefully we won't do the same mistakes, now that we know how much it affected the other each time. Or at least I won't, because I know that most of the things we had to face were my fault. In the end I have always been the one to make the call.

That's probably why this day is so important to me. Today I let you be in charge and I'm ready to accept whatever you offer. Today you're the one to make the call.

You guide us through Chinatown and suddenly stop in front of a small Chinese restaurant. I laugh internally because I think that you have always known that the best way to win my affection is to make me eat.

When we come in we are warmly welcomed by a small and old Chinese lady who shows us to one small table in the back of the restaurant. It's a really cute place, not crowded at all and you are apparently well-known in the house because they are all being really nice to us, and laughing with you about things I don't really understand. The one thing I understand though is that you chose the exact perfect place for us. There is no way somebody would ever recognize us there and it isn't a dump either. It's actually pretty cosy.

We talk about everything, but nothing in particular at the same time. It doesn't really matter anyway because we are not really communicating with our words. We rarely are. How could I focus on your words when your hand is on mine, our knees are touching and you have those amazing translucent eyes of yours fixated on me? And it's not only that. It's also that every thing that you do makes me love you even more and how could I ever say that out loud? So I just jabber about meaningless stuff. It's stupid really, it's just that I don't know how to say it. I chicken out every single time. I could have told you when you wrapped your arms around me in the park this morning, or when we walked over the Brooklyn Bridge, or when you put your hand on mine at the beginning of the meal. Or even when you let me eat all of your dessert. I could have easily slipped a little 'I love you' there. It wouldn't have been such a big deal... But maybe I want for it to be a big deal, that's probably why I haven't told you yet. I still haven't found the perfect moment.

"I want to thank you for today. This truly is one of the best days I have ever had-"  
"Save it for later! We still have the whole afternoon and the whole evening ahead of us. Don't you remember that my plan is a multiple-parts one? At the end of it, it will not only be one of the best days you've ever had, it will be the best."

And you don't let me the chance to mock how confident you are. Your lips take hold of mine and with that kiss you've silenced every snarky comment I might have made. I never want this kiss to end, and I definitely never want this day to end either.


	7. This truly is the most perfect day

**I think I'll just mention the end of the evening in the next chapter, otherwise there would be no end to that chapter. Enjoy this happy time between the two of them because next chapter Michael is leaving and there are not that happy anymore. And please tell me what you think of the story so far! I feel as if everyone has deserted the Smash fandom...**

I think we have been walking for hours, or at least that's what my feet are telling me because the rest of my body has totally lost track of time. We have been walking and talking since we got out of the Chinese restaurant and you still won't tell me where we are going. But I don't really care because I could talk with you for hours without feeling any other need.

Still, my body isn't used to walking that much - I blame my lack of enthusiasm for sports - so, when you tell me that we are almost there, I am incredibly relieved. Or at least I am for a few seconds because soon I realize where you brought us. We are at one end of the High Line. Which means that there is no resting time ahead of us but more walking time.

"The high line, really? You think you haven't made me walk enough already?"  
But you know that I'm only teasing you. I have always been curious about that park above the streets of Manhattan. People have always told me how peaceful the path on that old railway is and I have never really tried it. I am happy that you thought of it for today. I don't even recall telling you that I wanted to go there someday. Maybe I didn't, maybe it's just a coïncidence, even if I would prefer to think of it as a sign of you knowing me really well.

"We can just sit on a bench if you are tired of walking."  
I nod and you put your arm around my waist while we start walking on that high line, looking for a bench. We find one pretty quickly and once we're seated, I finally take the time to admire the beauty of this place. You can still see the old rail line but it's almost completely covered by grass, trees and flowers. We have the place almost entirely to ourselves. The grey and cold weather might not be ideal but at least it gives us some kind of intimacy, because I'm sure that on a bright and sunny day the crowd would invade this little oasis of peace in the middle of the city and it wouldn't be that peaceful anymore.

We stop talking for a while. I just lay my head on your shoulder and you wrap your arms around me, pulling me close. We just enjoy the moment, knowing all too well that it's not that easy for us to take the time to just be together. I am really glad that you asked me to spend the whole day with you, and I hope that you know it. I wouldn't have thought of asking and I really would have been missing out.

I close my eyes and try to capture the way the warm of your body feels next to mine. I will need it for when you will be gone. I still can't believe that you are leaving tomorrow. I grab your hand and hold on to it, as if it was going to make you stay. But I know it won't and I also know that you going to Seattle is a good thing. You are going to see your son and I should really just be happy for you.

After a while you force me to open my eyes and you make a move to go. "Don't fall asleep on me, there are still some places I want to take you and we haven't even finished walking on that trail."  
"Is there still a lot of walking?"  
"Kind of, yes."  
"Then you're going to be much more convincing in order to get me up."

You grin and then you kiss me. I widen my eyes. "Is that your way of convincing me that I should get up and walk miles with you?"  
Once again you don't say anything and you kiss me. A little bit longer this time.  
"Well, that's not going to work."  
And another kiss. I could really get used to that, you know. But I comply and get up, not without letting go of a big sigh.  
"I think I will never tell you again that I would like to take the time to walk in the streets of Manhattan. You are taking me way too seriously."

We both laugh and you take my hand again, leading me towards Central Park and rambling about Broadway. But at one point the conversation suddenly takes a more serious tone. I don't know why but you suddenly feel like pouring your heart out.

"I should never have let you push me away."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Five years ago, when you understood it was serious between us and chickened out of it. When you told me I should go out with that nice interested lady instead of you. When you told me that she would make me happy and that you wouldn't. When you told me that Frank was making you happy and that we could never be for real. I shouldn't have listened to you. I shouldn't have let you push me away. I know that Monica has not and will never make me happier than you. And I know that you are not that happy with Frank. I know happiness when I see it and it's never bigger than when we are just the two of us. I should have fought for you."

"It was a long time ago, it doesn't matter now." I smile and meet your eyes. "No day but today." But you know that it matters. Me telling you otherwise doesn't change anything. We can both hear in each other voices how much our past is hurting us. But there is no point in talking about it, we can't change it, can we?

"I love you, Jules."  
And just like that tears start welling up in my eyes and my vision is all blurry. You don't know how much these words mean to me. There is nothing that can compare to the joy I'm feeling right now. Why am I being so emotive? I'm sure that you've already told me that you loved me lots of times.

It's just that this time the reality of it dawns on me. You love me.  
I know I should say it back to you but there is something in my throat and I can't utter any word. Thankfully I'm saved by one of your fan.

She squeals when she sees you and I can see that she is trying not to run towards you, but her pace is so fast that she could have been running and it wouldn't have been any different. "Oh my god! Michael Swift! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! I love everything that you do. I'm one of your biggest fans. I'm so sorry to interrupt but can I please take a picture with you?"

She is talking really fast and we both laugh. I quickly wipe off the tears that had begun to invade my eyes. She just saved me from one particularly awkward situation. I certainly didn't want to respond to your declaration of love by rivers of tears. I take the phone she is giving me and take the picture. I have always loved your fans. You can see that this one is beyond excited of finally meeting you and she can't even form sentences anymore. It's really cute. She is finally letting go of you when she turns towards me.

"Aren't you Julia Houston?"  
I offer her my biggest smile and quickly corrects her. "No, I'm not. But people often tell me that I look a bit like her."  
She sounds a little bit put off but it quickly goes away. "She is amazing, I really love her. But she barely does any filmed interview. I could walk past her in the street and not even recognize her, that's such a shame."  
"Yeah... Writers like to hide. Not like those actors parading everywhere." I give you a little nudge before laughing.

She laughs with us before finally letting us go back to what we were doing. You slip your arm under mine and start walking. After a few minutes you look in my direction. "That was close."  
But I don't even hear you. I have completely forgotten the young woman. I suddenly stop in my tracks and look right into your eyes. "I love you too."

You don't say anything and I jump when you grab my arm and pull me in a corner where nobody can see us. I don't even have the time to protest that our mouths collide and you pull me into a passionate kiss. You're pressing your body against mine and I wish we weren't in a public space. But we are. I put both my hands on your chest and softly push you away.

"I thought we were supposed to go to Central Park."  
You smile and take a step back. You hold out your hand to me and I take it. Neither one of us can get rid of that naïve smile that graces our lips.

One hour later we have bought a huge pizza and we are both laying in the grass of Central Park, watching the early evening sky. My hand is on my stomach and you are playing with it. You intertwine your fingers with mine and it seems like one of the sweetest things in the world. I could stay like that forever. But I'm also curious about what are the other parts of your plan for the day.

"Do you have something in mind for the evening?"  
You don't say anything but you take your hand away. I'm about to protest at the sudden lost of contact but I feel something in my hand. I sit up to look at it. In my hand there are two Broadway tickets.

Two Broadway tickets for Peter and the Starcatcher.

"Oh my god, you didn't! I was planning on seeing that play. I've always loved Peter Pan since I'm a little girl. And everyone told me that I shouldn't miss that Black Stache character. They say that he looks a lot like Tom. Oh my god, I can't believe you have tickets for it! I don't know what to say..."  
"Well, you can just thank me for being so awesome."  
I would gladly roll my eyes but I'm too happy for that. I feel like the young woman from earlier who couldn't believe she had met you. "Thank you for being so awesome." I lean over you to kiss you and this time neither one of us pushes the other away. This truly is the most perfect day.


	8. But everything is not going to be okay

**Happy time is over for our two love birds and I hope you won't hate me too much for it. Please tell me what you think! =)**

Last night was perfect. After that fantastic play you took me to, we just couldn't go our separate ways and ended up once again in the rehearsal room. Since I wasn't supposed to be home before the following day and I didn't want to intrude in the apartment you used to share with your wife and son, it seemed like the perfect solution. And perfect it certainly was.

So when I open my eyes this morning and realize I'm lying on that dear old couch, completely naked, except for the jacket you've thrown over me in an effort to keep me warm, I'm just so happy that I don't understand right away what's going on. You've already put back on all your clothes and you're looking at your watch, as if you were in a hurry. You realize that I'm awake and our eyes meet. And suddenly the sad expression on your face reminds me that you have a plane to catch and that you will be gone for three weeks. Yesterday was just a dream.

I slowly sit up and give you your jacket, while you're giving me my clothes. I slowly put them on and neither one of us dares to say anything. We are too afraid of ruining everything. Finally you come closer and lay a gentle kiss on my forehead. "I really do have to go or I'll miss my flight."

"I know, you should go. Don't worry about me, I'll just close everything here and head back home."  
"I don't want to leave you."  
"You're not leaving me. You're going to see your son. And it's only three weeks."  
"But three weeks apart when I just witnessed what it could be like to spend all days with you seem like three painful weeks."

I stay silent for a minute before grabbing your hand. "It's supposed to hurt, that's how you know it meant something." I twitch the corner of my mouth upwards and you do the same, immediately catching on to the reference from last night's play.

You kiss me one more time, on the lips this time. "Being with you means everything. I don't need it to hurt to know that."  
I lightly chuckle at how cheesy that sounds but it's a fake laugh because you're already at the door and, even if I'm trying to show you that three weeks are nothing and that I'm totally fine with you leaving, I'm really not. But I keep on smiling anyway and that until I hear the elevator door closing on you.

That's it. Now I have to go back to Frank and put an end to my already dying marriage.  
I slowly grab my purse and start heading towards the door when I notice the unread messages on my phone.

_'Meeting at 1pm in my office. I have some things that I need to discuss with you, Tom and Derek. You probably already know what. Eileen.'_

_'Honey, can you please come over? We need to talk. Tom.'_

_'I won't be home until tonight. We'll talk then. Frank.'_

What's going on? What do they all want to talk about?

I'm starting to get a bad feeling but push it away. There is no need in worrying when I don't even know why. The only reasonable thing to do is to go at Tom's and hear it from him, so instead of heading back home where there is probably only a sleeping Leo that awaits me, I grab a cab in direction of the composer's apartment and try to stay focused on the memory of yesterday. It puts me back in a good mood and I really hope it will work for three weeks, even if I know that there is a big chance it won't.

When I finally arrive at his apartment, I let myself in and find him in front of his computer. He looks really engrossed by what he is seeing on the screen.

He notices my presence when I greet him and offers me a smile, but it's not as genuine as usual. There definitely is something to worry about. That's why I'm not surprised when he directly jumps to something entirely different after the usual greetings.

"Where were you yesterday?"  
I hesitate a little before answering. I can't tell him the truth, even if it seems as if he already knows it. That would mean that I totally stand by the fact that I broke my promise to him and that's not true. Yesterday was the best day of my life but I would be lying if I told you that I had no regrets, or at least no shame, because it's hard for me to feel regrets when I know that I'll always cherish that memory. "At home, with Frank and Leo."  
"Don't lie to me, Julia. You know that's not true."

I lower my eyes because the shame is definitely starting to rise in me. There are so many feelings that are starting to take a hold of me and suddenly there is one that catches my attention more than the others. It's curiosity. How does he know what I did yesterday? I don't raise my eyes because I'm still afraid of meeting his disappointed eyes and I ask him with a really small voice. "How do you know?"

He doesn't answer with words but he turns the computer towards me. I'm surprised at first but then I catch the title of the page he was looking at. **_Marilyn the Musical, or the show where everyone sleeps with everyone._**

I slowly sit down in front of the computer, mentally preparing myself for what I know is about to come. Suddenly all the texts from this morning make sense and my head is buzzing. At first I can't even understand one single sentence I'm reading, the words turning around before me. I never thought this would happen, and certainly not like this. I take one deep breath and start to focus on what I'm reading, knowing that I should at least try to evaluate the amplitude of it all.

_As I was telling you all before, fellow Broadway junkies, we had some suspicions about the productive team of Bombshell (the new Musical about Marilyn that started previews in Boston recently, for those who are catching up with us all) sleeping around with cast members. Most of you were telling me that it was the case in most of the musicals on Broadway and that I had no proof. Well, now I have and I can assure you that, although there is some romantic drama in most Broadway productions, Bombshell takes it to a whole new level._

_Indeed we were already aware that the famous Broadway director Derek Wills was sleeping with Ivy Lynn (the girl who played Marilyn during the workshop), but what if I were to tell you that he also hooked up with Rebecca Duvall (the actress that needs no more introduction and who played Marilyn in the first preview) and that something is most probably going on with Karen Cartwright (their new Marilyn)? We can say that he is definitely looking for his Marilyn, can't we?_

_But it doesn't stop there. We also discovered that the famous composer Tom Levitt is starting to get really serious with a chorus boy and that the producer Eileen Rand, who is currently divorcing the legend that is Jerry Rand in the business, is starting a romance of her own with a bartender that introduced her to her main investor._

_And it gets even more scandalous. We now have proof that the lyricist Julia Houston is having an affair with the non-less famous actor Michael Swift (playing Joe DiMaggio in the show), thanks to some sources who caught them spending a romantic day together yesterday. [Read more for more information and photos]_

I click on the link and quickly shut down the page when I see all the pictures of you and me popping on the page it just opened. I try to bury my head in my hands, still not realizing what just happened. The feel of Tom's hand on my shoulder brings me back to reality and I turn towards him. I can see that he is not mad, as I thought he would be, but rather worried about me. He knows that I still haven't told Frank and that this won't help at all. Or maybe he is more concerned about how this is going to ruin my reputation but honestly that's far from my mind at that exact moment. All I can think about is how I screwed up everything.

"How many people saw that?"  
"I would guess a lot. There are links towards that page everywhere and this is a website with a rather large audience in general. Eileen is worried about how this is going to affect the show, so I am guessing that it's not just something that will go away just like that."

I don't say anything and tears start to fall down my cheeks. I was stupid, we were stupid. How could we think that for one day we could just be like anybody? How could we think that we would get away with it?

Tom starts to rub circles on my back, trying to calm me down, but this time it won't be enough.  
"Frank is going to be so mad. I was planning on telling him the whole truth tonight. We would have sat down together and talked about it like civilized adults. We would have tried to find the best solution for Leo and, even if things wouldn't have been prefect, eventually it would have been okay. But now he will just be mad and he won't listen to me and-" And I can't finish my sentence because the sobs are starting to get stronger and words won't even come out anymore.

"He probably won't see it. He is not the kind of man who is looking for gossip on the internet."  
"He sent me a text earlier saying that we needed to talk. He saw it."

And Tom doesn't know what to add. He knows that I'm right and he knows that this is a disaster. Not only for my marriage but for many other reasons too. And even if he doesn't want to bother me with that, he is worried about the meeting with Eileen. But he doesn't show it and resumes to trying to calm me down, holding me in his arms and whispering to me that everything is going to be okay.

But everything is not going to be okay. Everyone here is going to give me hell and I wish that you could be there and that we would handle it together, but you are gone. You are all the way across the country and it hurts even more than I thought it would.


	9. Anything but business

**I give you some angry Julia because this is one side of her that I really like in the show. And here come Eileen and Derek! Don't forget to comment!**

You haven't even been gone for more than a few hours and my life has already started to turn into a serie of unpleasant moments. The first one to come being the meeting with Eileen. I know that I have Tom on my side but I'm not sure of how things will turn out. I wish you could be there, I wish you could reassure me about all of this. I could call you but you are probably in the plane right now so you wouldn't pick up. I hate this situation. I hate all about this stupid blog who thought that it was okay to reveal my personal life to the entire Broadway sphere. And I hate that Eileen is going to want to talk about all of this in a business way. My personal life should be anything but business.

But I go to that meeting anyway because I know that I have to. I can't just drop a bomb like this one on the show and let them deal with it on their own. It will be one uncomfortable moment but if that's what the show needs, then I'm all in. However, it doesn't prevent me from being anxious about it and I clung to Tom as if he was my life jacket. He doesn't mind, I know he wants to be there for me, even if it's mainly all my fault.

When we finally enter Eileen's office, she and Derek are already there, apparently discussing how much damages the part about him would make. Honestly him being a manwhore is nothing new and it probably won't change anything to the way people are seeing him or the show. People have come to accept him as he is and just laugh about it all. It's just three more names to add to the list of his conquests. In a certain way, I envy him. The fact that he is still one of the top ones Broadway director means that people have such respect for his work that there are ready to overlook his lack of morals in his personal life.

They quickly notice us and become silent. Tom and I both sit on the couch, as usual. But today is not an usual day, today there is tension in the room and nobody really knows what to say. Eventually Derek plasters his usual grin on his face and turns towards me. "You never cease to surprise me, Julia. One minute you're threatening to quit the show if we fire Michael, and the next minute you're sleeping with him and waking up the whole Broadway gossiping mill! Really, well done."

Of course he would try to piss me off. What was I expecting? This meeting could never be professional. I don't even know why I thought it was a good idea to come. I jump on my feet and quickly protest. "Well, maybe none of it would have happened if you had all listened to me in the beginning and not brought Michael back!"

It's Derek's turn to rise, not liking to be towered over. "Oh come on! You can't possibly blame it on us. You're the one who is supposed to act like an adult and not open your legs for anybody!"

I just can't let him get away with this and the next thing I know my hand ends up on his face with a sound that makes everyone jumps. I immediately regret it because I shouldn't let his words affect me like that and violence is never the answer. I have just been on edge since I first saw this article and it seems like this gesture was all I needed to let go of some of the things I was feeling.

I quietly sit back down on the couch, with three pairs of stunned eyes looking at me, and calm down. Derek does the same, still dumbfounded by what just happened, and I'm the next one to talk. I turn to Eileen and try to speak in the most calm and relaxed voice I can manage. "How bad is this?"

She nods, obviously happy of being able to talk about this peacefully, but still a little bit weary. "Well, I'm not going to lie, this is bad. As much for you, as for the show. What might happen is that when people will hear about the show they will immediately associate it with all these gossips and forget to mention how great of a show this is, and how much everyone should buy a ticket for it. But I guess that it also depends on what happens next between you, Michael and Frank. So I need to know... what are you planning on doing?"

My eyes widen. I'm surprised that she would ask me this. What I'm going to do next is really not of anybody else's business and I certainly do not want to discuss it in here, especially with people who would try to talk me out of it. Noticing my sudden silence, she tries again. "I just want to know if you're are going to make things work with your husband and the story will eventually die down, or if you are planning on pursuing this thing, whatever it is, with Michael."

But her making it even more explicit doesn't give me any more desire to tell her about my plans. They are all still staring at me, waiting for my answer. She tries to give it one more push. "Julia?"

Once again I prefer not to answer but Tom lets go of a resigned sigh and chooses to respond for me. "She is leaving Frank to be with Michael." I violently turn towards him, shocked that he would backstab me like that. He has no rights to tell them what I trusted him to keep as a secret.

"Tom! If I don't want to tell them every detail of my personal life, this is strictly my business. You don't have the right to speak for me!"

He doesn't say anything back and doesn't look even slightly apologetical. Once again he is putting the show before me and I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I thought we had put that problem far behind us but apparently it's still there. And of course that's the moment Eileen chooses to support Tom. "He is right to tell me. I can't work on the show's communication if I don't have all the information. Just because you are too selfish to see it, that doesn't mean that he has to be too."

This time, it's just too much and me getting to my feet will not be temporary. Before leaving I look at her one last time, my anger dripping in every single word. "Go to hell, Eileen."

And that's it. I'm out. I push the button of the elevator, hoping that it will come fast enough so that nobody can tell me one more time how stupid I am and how I ruin everything. I already know it, I don't need people to make me feel even worse than I do. I need people who support me, whatever I do, no matter how stupid it is. I don't need people who judge. I thought Tom was that person for me, but obviously I was wrong. I thought Eileen and Derek had some kind of respect and sympathy for me, and apparently that's not true either.

Now all I want to do is cry and hide in a corner where nobody, except you of course, could find me. But that's not what life has in store for me. Because even if I got out of that awful meeting I still have to face Frank and I can already tell that it's not going to be pleasant either. But at least I'm prepared. There won't be any surprised backstabbing this time because I already know what to expect.

I push the button one more time, hoping it would make the elevator come faster but apparently it doesn't work because I hear someone coming after me and there is still no elevator to get me out of here. I close my eyes, ready to face up to Tom but it surprisingly isn't him that I hear, but Derek, and he surprisingly sounds off character.

"Honestly Julia, I think that you are brave for doing this. I know I can be a jerk but if you love him, you should do whatever you want."

I'm surprised by this side of Derek but prefer not to question it too much. I'll take whatever kind words I can get, no matter whom it comes from. I manage a small smile and step in the elevator that finally decided to show up. "Thank you, Derek."

The doors close and I chase that surprising moment of kindness away from my mind, focusing on what I'm going to say to Frank. But honestly I don't think there is anything I can say that would soften the blow. My day is just about to get even worse.


	10. You shouldn't have broken that mug

**Thank you very much to LivingLikeLeah who made me write that chapter in time, because honestly I had no idea about how to write it. I hope you will like it though, and that this isn't too much out of character. And please tell me what you think, reviews are highly appreciated!**

As I'm walking towards what will be the end of my marriage, I can't help but remember its beginning, that day when I walked down the aisle to embrace a new life on my husband's side. I was so full of hope then. I was young and completely in love. This was the beginning of my life as a happily married woman and I couldn't see the future to be any different from the one I was about to enter. I was nervous too, who wouldn't be? It was a huge step in my life, something that was forever. And forever is scary, even if it's with someone whom you love and who loves you back, with someone who is the only one to believe that you'll be a famous Broadway lyricist someday and who is ready to support you through all of it, with someone that is promising you a welcoming home and family for the rest of your days.

Seeing what happened next, maybe I was right to be scared. But I'll never regret it, no matter how it turned out in the end. Even if it didn't last forever, we did have everything we had promised to each other. We had the love, we had the support and we had the beautiful home and family. It faded but I will never forget how it was in the beginning.

So today, as the end is coming, I'm ready for it and there is no bitterness on my side. And, even if I'm reluctant to admit it, there is everything that was there at the beginning of my marriage. It's just not for my husband, but for you. Because the end of this marriage means the beginning of a real relationship with you. It means a possible forever with someone whom I love and who loves me back, with someone that doesn't judge me and who supports me. I can picture a happy life with you and that makes me nervous, but the good kind of nervous, the same kind as on my wedding day.

I know that it's twisted, and of course I'll never tell anybody, because that's not how I should end my marriage. It should strictly be between Frank and me. But, the truth is that it isn't, no matter how much I hate it, and I can't help my feelings. I'm in love with you.

That's why when I come into my house, I'm not that afraid anymore. I know that in the end, it's for the best. I was going to tell him anyway, just not that way, but I was going to tell him, and he was going to get mad. So when I see the bags filled with my clothes in the living room, I'm not surprised and it doesn't hurt that much.

What hurts a little bit more are the broken frames of pictures of Frank and me.

And what hurts like hell is the broken 'best husband in the world' mug.

I know it sounds stupid but that mug was a symbol of how much Frank and I loved each other, and whenever we would get into a fight at night, it would go away in the morning when we would see that mug and remind ourselves of that unconditional love. Even if that love has faded a little and that I have completely ruined our marriage, I wanted for Frank to keep that mug. I wanted him to know that I have loved him more than anything, that what we lived together was true love, and I hate the fact that he is trying to tarnish that memory. That broken mug tears my heart in pieces, and I realize that somewhere inside me there is still a part that will always care deeply about him.

I slowly climb the stairs to our room, because I can hear him in there, and my heart is as heavy as my slow footsteps. The peace of mind I had found before, when thinking about the life I was going to have with you, completely evaporated. When I step into the room, I see him angrily throwing my things in boxes and every throw is a stab in my chest.

"You shouldn't have broken that mug."  
He turns towards me, apparently so angry that he hadn't even been paying attention to me entering the room. He doesn't say anything.

"Frank, I'm really sorry about how you found out, I was going to tell you."  
This time he completely stops what he is doing and jumps to his feet. "Oh, really? Because you see, I am having a hard time believing you."

Another blank. Of course he doesn't believe me, why would he? I haven't really been an example of someone he can trust. I kept going to you behind his back and managed to hide it well until he found that stupid song. He has no reason to believe any word of anything I say, and that's killing me, even if I know that it's all my fault.

He raises his head and locks eyes with me. He looks rather calm and I am wondering if he has been preparing himself for that moment all day long, or if he is just following his instinct. Not that it matters much though. "And what were you going to tell me? That you're in love with_ him_, that you can't live without _him_?" And that 'him' is told with so much disdain that it physically hurts me. I know I shouldn't care about what he thinks of you right now, but I'll always care about what people think of you.

We both are silent for a minute then. Him because he is waiting for my answer, and me because I'm surprised of him being so direct, even though I saw that question coming. I don't want to hurt him, but I know I will. I am done lying and he is going to get the truth, it's just that it's hard to say it. And his eyes fixated on me are not helping at all. But I've got to do it, so I take one deep breath and finally get it over with. "Yes."

He snorts and I look away. He sits down on the bed, trying to absorb the news. He should have been prepared for it, but I guess that there is no preparing for that sort of things, and I'm so sorry for all the pain I'm causing him. I've loved him, I still do. Just not as much as I love you. I finally look back at him, ready to face what's to come, and I see him rubbing his eyes, as if he was trying to awake himself. Eventually he pulls his focus back on me and his eyes have turned fifty shades darker.

"Get out!" His voice makes me jump. The anger in it fills the air and I can feel the tears rushing out. But I don't move. Every time he gets angry, I can't move. It freezes my whole body and the only thing which is moving are the tears down my cheeks. But this has no effect on him. It even makes him angrier. "Get the hell out! I don't want to see you again! You must have thought that I was some kind of fool or I don't know what you thought. But that was wrong. You broke my heart and I never want to see you again."

"I'm so sorry Frank, I swear-"  
"I don't want to hear it. Actually I don't want anything to do with you anymore. That's why I broke the mug, it was all a lie, like everything that came from you, and I'm done with that."  
"It wasn't a lie, Frank, it was never a lie."

But he isn't hearing me anymore and he grabs the boxes he had been filling before bringing them downstairs, then out the door. All my things are on the porch, and soon I'm pushed on the porch too and the door is being slammed behind me. And I can't stop crying, I can't move, I just slide down the door, my back to it, and sit on the cold stone of our porch, waiting for my eyes to go dry, watching people wondering what is going on, but thankfully we live in New York, and they don't care. They just keep on walking and in a few minutes they will have forgotten everything about that woman crying on a porch, surrounded by all her belongings.

I should probably get up and pull myself together but I don't even know where to go. In one day I've managed to lose everyone. You went on the other side of the country. Tom decided to choose theatre over me once again, and I can't really blame him because right now I wouldn't have picked me either. Eileen is done with me, but our friendship had been ruined from the moment she found out about me cheating on my husband, since it really is a sensitive subject for her. Frank doesn't even want to see me anymore. The only one with whom things didn't end on a bad note was Derek, but there is no way he would ever offer me to stay at his place, so I'm all alone.


	11. I can't find a way to thank you enough

**I hope you won't find that chapter too boring, or too short but I'm really busy right now. I wanted to show that there are also some supportive people for Julia, because for now things were really bad and it's not going to get better immediately. I'll try to keep on posting every Sunday but my exams are approaching so no promises.**

Eventually, I realize that I can't stay forever on that porch and painfully stand up. I'm feeling pathetic and, instead of wallowing in my self-pity, I should just move on with my life. Everything that happened was predictable and I was supposed to be prepared for it. And being prepared for it did not mean that I was going to fall apart and be stuck on that porch. I had it coming and now it's time to face it.

But there is still a practical problem about where I'm going to live. If you had been there, maybe I could have stayed at your place, even if I'm not sure we're ready to take that step. But you're not here so I don't even have to worry about that. We'll see when you come back. For now I need a temporary solution.

And eventually I find one, even if it's a bad one. I have too much pride to go back to Tom's and I don't have that many friends, so Derek will have to do. He probably won't be expecting this at all, unaware that the few kind words he has given me are the nicest I've gotten all day. But I need to find a place to stay and I don't have that much options. I have had enough hotel in Boston.

So I grab my bags and head towards Derek's apartment, imagining in my head all the ways he could send me off. I hope he won't, but that's Derek I'm talking about. To my knowledge he doesn't have any friends and no plans to make some.

And then I'm in front of his door and I'm beginning to doubt my decision. But I knock anyway, things can't really get worse, can they?

After a few minutes he answers the door angrily, probably because it's already late. "What?" And then he realizes that I'm the one standing at his door and he calms down. "Julia? What are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?"  
"Of course."  
I follow him into the living room, and by now he has probably noticed the bags, but he doesn't say anything. I have the surprise to find Ivy with a glass of wine on the couch. I didn't know they were still dating, especially after all these rumors about him and Karen. I greet her before sitting next to her. Derek sits down on the couch facing us and gives me a glass of wine before pushing me to explain the reason of my visit.

After taking a gulp of the much needed wine, I decide that it's time to talk.  
"I know that you probably weren't expecting this but I had nowhere else to go. Frank threw me out and I just need a place to stay for a few nights, until I figure everything out. You're actually the only person I know in New York who isn't pissed at me. I know that this is a lot to ask, but, trust me, I had no other choice."

There is a big silence and Derek refills his glass before drinking it all. I knew it, this is too much for him to handle. Ivy isn't sure of what to do herself so she comes closer and wraps her arms around me. "I'm sorry, Julia." I have never really been close to her, she is more Tom's friend than mine, but this is nice. I close my eyes and enjoy the human contact she is offering me.

Eventually we both let go of each other and I can see that she has been thinking.  
"You could stay at my place and I would move in with Derek."  
She grabs her glass and drinks it, as if what she has just said was the most natural thing in the world.

I see Derek's eyes widening and I can't help but laugh internally. He doesn't seem ready to live with Ivy and probably never will. He isn't known for being a big fan of commitment. But I have to admit that this would be one good solution and I'm grateful that Ivy offered it. Derek is frozen but I can see his mind working on overload. He is weighing all the pros and cons of this. For a moment he locks eyes with Ivy and I can guess that they have already had a conversation about this to the looks they are exchanging.

Eventually he puts his glass back on the table, places both his hands firmly on his thighs and take one deep breath. "Okay."

It's Ivy's turn to be surprised. Apparently the previous conversation hadn't really turned out that way. A smile makes its way to her face. "Okay?"

"Okay. You can move in here, and Julia will go to your place." He then grabs his drink and leans back in the couch, before grumbling. "I hope I won't regret this."

"Oh, you won't." And I don't even want to know what they are thinking about right now, because their eyes are all but innocent. I feel like I'm intruding and tries to remind them that I'm still in the room, before they jump on each other.

"Well, I can't find a way to thank you enough. You're really saving me here. Both of you."  
"Yeah, yeah." Derek, nonchalant as ever. He probably doesn't want to admit that he can be nice to people.  
Ivy rolls her eyes at him before talking. "You must be exhausted. We can both go to my place, I'll show you around. That way I can pick up my things and come back here."

A few minutes later we're both in a cab and Ivy is humming a song from the musical. I feel bad because she is really kind to me, whereas she should hate me for making her believe that she could be Marilyn when Derek had chosen Karen. But she is still dating him so she is probably not one to hold a grudge. Or maybe it is some kind of plan to get back in the show, but at that point I don't really care. Whatever her motives are, she is really helpful and I will always be grateful.

"Ivy, you're really great for letting me stay at your place. If there is anything I can do, you tell me."  
"Don't worry about it. You already helped me. I had been trying to get some sort of commitment from Derek for quite some time now and you gave him just the right push."  
"So... you and Derek? this is serious?"  
"I guess so. He told me he loved me in Boston."

I am on the verge of telling her that he also slept with Rebecca in Boston and chose Karen over her, but I don't. For one this is really not in my interest, since I want this moving together thing to work out, so that I can stay at her place, and I also feel like I don't know her well enough to start that kind of conversation with her.

"As long as you are happy, that's great."  
"I am. He really is a good guy sometimes. I know that Tom doesn't agree with me, but I think I love him too."  
"Oh you know, Tom isn't always right. You think you love him, that's what matters. Not what Tom thinks. You've got a chance at happiness and you should take it."

And she doesn't go further into the conversation because she knows she hit a sensitive spot. She is well aware of the fact that I would never have come to Derek for help if I hadn't gotten in another fight with Tom.

We finally reach her place and half an hour later, she leaves and I collapse into the bed, glad that this day is finally over. Tomorrow I'll call you and everything will be better.

**So, are you waiting for that call?**


	12. Things will start to get better

Today is another day, and today everything is going to start getting better. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself when I see the sun coming in through the window. It's Sunday, so I don't have anywhere to be, no obligations whatsoever. I don't have to see people I don't want to see, and I can just relax all day long.

I grab my phone as I make my way towards Ivy's kitchen, and dial your number while trying to figure out how the coffee machine works. Unfortunately, as I finally succeed in making the coffee machine work, I reach your voice mail. It's probably too early in Seattle. I just leave you a message, trying not to reveal how much of a mess my life has become since you left. I love you, I miss you, the basics. I'll just call back later.

I take my cup of coffee and find a comfortable spot on the couch. Ivy's apartment may be small, but it's rather welcoming. She made the most of the place she had. As I look at the decorations on the walls and on the furniture, I notice all the little Marilyn items. She sure did a thorough job at impersonating her. That's too bad she didn't get the job in the end. But the way that musical is run, she may still have a chance.

Later in the afternoon I try calling you again and this time someone picks up the phone. I'm about to pour my heart out to you when I'm surprised by a feminine voice, that I reckon being Monica's.

"Oh, Julia. I'm glad you called, I wanted to talk to you."  
My first instinct would be to hang up the phone, but something is stopping me from doing that, even though I know I'll regret it later. So I just stay silent and she takes it as her cue to go on.  
"Could you stop leaving messages for my husband, or trying to reach him? He is spending time with his family and trying to repair all the damages he has caused, and I think that you need to stay away from him. You're a mistake from his past and you calling him isn't helping. He wants to give our family a second chance and you should let him do so. If you love him as much as you pretend to, you will."

And just before she hangs up, I can hear Artie laughing with you and asking his mother to join you. I drop my phone to the ground and join it as my legs suddenly stop bearing my weight. I thought I was stupid to think that Monica was a threat, and that this trip to Seattle meant that you were going to get back together. Apparently I wasn't stupid at all. I had every right to be scared.

My eyes start swelling and suddenly tears invade my cheeks. I don't even know how I've got any more water to loose into tears. All I seem to be doing lately is cry. How did I manage to make such a mess out of my life? I thought that at least I had you. My family had exploded, my workplace had become an unfriendly environment, my best friend had turned his back on me, but at least I had you. I was supposed to have long and sweet conversations on the phone with you every night, and you were supposed to come back after three weeks and we would have shared every night in each other's arms. But what do I have now? I've turned my life upside down, and it was mainly because of you.

I want to hate you so much right now, but I don't know if I'll ever be capable of that. The worst part in all of this is that I love you. I love you so much, it hurts. I want you to be happy. I want you to have a loving family and all the joys in the world. I would just have wished to be a part of it. I wanted to be your family, I wanted to be the one to bring you joy. But I guess I've lost now.

I'm so sorry if I made you feel the exact same way I feel now all these years ago. It was horrible of me. And all of that because of what? Because I was afraid to love you? Because I didn't want to realize that you were the one for me? I was stupid and I missed my chance. And it hurts. I feel as if my heart was about to jump from my chest. It would if it could. It would find you in Seattle and it would never leave you. My heart can be stupid sometimes. It has fled from you all these years and now it doesn't want to get over you. Now it will keep on loving you, no matter what.

I'm so caught up in my self-loathing that I don't hear the keys in the lock, and I don't see Ivy coming in the apartment.

"Julia?"  
I raise my eyes but all I can see is a blur of blond hair through my teary eyes. She quickly joins me on the floor and grabs my hand.  
"Julia, what happened?"

I try to speak but I'm sobbing too loudly. Words won't come out of my mouth. It's all gasps for air and no articulate language. And there goes all the image of a self-confident woman I'm trying to show to everyone. I feel so pathetic right now. Teenage girls are allowed to feel that way over a boy, but not forty-year old women. We don't get to just break down and cry for hours because someone is trying to give his family a second chance. I know I'm being selfish and childish, but knowing that doesn't help me at all. It just makes me even more frustrated with myself.

Ivy doesn't really know what to do so she tries to understand what happened. She sees my slightly broken phone on the floor and tries to complete the puzzle.  
"Did you talk to someone on the phone?"

I nod. The sobs are getting quieter and my breathing is becoming more regular.  
"Who was it?"  
"Monica."

I can see that she doesn't know who it is. She is searching her brain for any kind of clue as to who it might be and her quizzical face almost get me to smile. Almost.  
"Michael's wife."  
"Oh."

I kind of caught her off-guard. She wasn't really expecting that one. But I don't blame her, I would never have thought of ever talking to Monica either. I don't know why I didn't hang up as soon as I understood that it was her on the other end of the phone.  
"She answered Michael's phone. Apparently he is giving his family a second chance. She doesn't want me calling anymore."  
"She was the one to tell you that?"

I nod and try to wipe off the few remaining tears on my cheek. Ivy surprises me by grabbing my shoulders and forcing me to look at her.  
"Julia, you can't trust her. She is trying to get her husband back. She will do anything to wipe off the competition. She knows that he will always pick you over her. Everyone knows that. You two are not fooling anyone. She is just trying to get you out of the picture. Don't listen to her."

A part of me wants to believe Ivy but the other one is afraid that believing her means setting myself up for disappointment. But still, she managed to make me doubt. I try to make that thought go away though, even if my heart has already grabbed it and holds on tightly.  
"But maybe she is right. I can't blame him for giving his family a second chance. He has a son and a wife, I don't want to ruin that. I don't want to stand in the way of his happiness."

"You won't ruin that, Julia. He will be a thousand times more happy with you and it doesn't mean he has to lose Artie."  
I smile to the blond woman. She sure managed to cheer me up. "And why should I believe you? After all, no offense, but you don't know anything about Michael, or me."  
"Because I have eyes."

And with that she gives me a hug and I realize how lucky I have been to run into her at Derek's. I would never have gone to her, and yet she was exactly what I needed. Today didn't exactly go as expected, but today I made a friend and who knows... maybe things really will start to get better.

**I'm so sorry if I disappointed you with Michael not being the one picking up the phone. I hope you won't be too mad about it and that you enjoyed that chapter anyway. Let me know what you thought of it, I love hearing from you.**


	13. Except for that, it was perfect

**I almost didn't make it but here is chapter 13! Girls night out! What do you think?**

During the following days, I try to avoid everyone. I figure that the less I talk to people, the less opportunities I have to start a fight with someone. I need a life without drama, at least for a week. Not that I don't miss having long conversations and sharing laughs with my co-workers, but it's safer that way. I only go to work when I'm needed, which is not that often now that the book and songs are finished, and I go back home as soon as rehearsals are over.

I actually like going back to Ivy's place. There are no memories linked to it, only new ones to make. Not that I'm really making any, since I don't really do anything special, but it's nice. I like drinking a hot cup of tea in her sofa while looking at the sunset. It's lonely, but it's soothing. And when I'm alone with my thoughts, I think of you. I picture you playing with your son and I wonder if you think of me too. Do we still have a chance? That question is eating me alive.

But a knock on my door saves me from spending another night trying to figure out the answer to that question. When I open it, I find myself being genuinely happy to see Ivy. We haven't talked that much in the past few days, but still, lately she has been the only one there for me.

She grabs my cup of tea and doesn't even let me the chance to say anything. She is already in the kitchen putting the cup away. I hear her voice from the living room. "Grab your coat because tonight we're going out! You can't stay hidden in here forever, it's time to have some fun!"

"Ivy, I really appreciate it, I do, but I'm not really in the mood to go out."  
"I don't want to hear it. You'll see, after a few drinks it will look like a much better idea."

I roll my eyes and sigh, but if I'm being honest, I'm rather happy with her offer. I might even have some fun tonight. So I grab my coat and follow her to the bar of her choice. I miss having some girl friends. In the past years I have been spending so much time with Tom that I forgot to make some other friends. Not that I don't like spending time with Tom, I love it, but sometimes it's good to have some other friends too, to get some different perspectives.

We find a table in a corner of the bar that gives us some privacy and start by asking for some beer and peanuts. Ivy seems to be in a cheerful mood and somehow I think it rubs off on me. I already feel a little happier.

"So, anything new?"  
I know what she is referring too but unfortunately I have no response for her. I'm scared of trying your phone again. The last thing I want to do is hear Monica again, seeing how it went last time. And my phone is refusing to work since I dropped it on Sunday, so you can't reach me either. I guess I'll just have to wait for you to come back to have news. As for any other news not involving you, I would have to talk to some people to know them. And we all know it's not the case.

But I don't really mind, or at least I made peace with it, so I just answer with an honest smile. "No, not really." She gives me a supportive look and I shrug. "What about you?"

"Well, Derek is a little bit on edge with that whole firing him as a director threat, but except for that everything is fine."  
I almost spit out my drink. "What firing threat?"  
"You don't know?"  
I shake my head, still dumbfounded. Maybe I should talk to more people. How could something like that escape me?

"Well, Eileen is beginning to get tired of his ways. And that article didn't help. Apparently the potential spectators don't really like him abusing his Marilyns. They got into a fight over something stupid and now she is threatening to take his job of director away from him."  
"For real?"  
"Yeah, it must be pretty serious for him to talk about it with me. He usually prefers to keep his arguments with Eileen between them both."  
"Well, that sucks. I admit that I often don't like his ways but he is one great director and he really can be a good man."  
"Yes. There is not much we can do though."  
"That's for sure. If things were different I would have tried to speak with Eileen, but she isn't really fond of me right now. I kind of told her to 'go to hell' the last time I spoke to her."

Ivy chuckles and orders one more round. While she does, I try to digest the news of a change of director. Because, let's be honest, it seems like he will lose that job. But there is something important to think about in that case. "But who would direct the show if he doesn't?"  
"Tom."

This time I really do spit out my drink. Ivy offers me a napkin and while I try to repair the damages I've caused, my mind is racing at a hundred miles an hour. Tom? There is no way he could direct a show. Sure, he has great ideas and can give great advice to the director, but he would never have the attitude to be a director. He always wants to be everyone's friend, not to direct them. Or at least I hope it's still the case, that's why I love him.

And this will make things so much worse between him and Derek, and if there is one thing you don't want, it's the choreographer and the director never agreeing on anything. For him who always wants to put the show before anything else, I don't see how he thought it was a good idea. I hope it isn't some kind of revenge on Derek. If it is, it's stupid.

"He can't direct a show!"  
"Why? Everybody loves him and he knows what he is doing."  
"It's just not his style."  
"If you say so, you know him better than I do." She just shrugs and takes one more sip of her glass.

"I can't believe it..."  
"Maybe you should talk to him, he misses you."  
"I miss him too."  
"Well?"  
"It's complicated."  
"It shouldn't be. You've been friends forever. Whatever happened between you two, you should be able to work this out. If you can't, nobody can."  
"Maybe..."  
"Just don't start by telling him that him being the director is a crazy idea."

We both laugh, probably helped by the alcohol we've already drunk. I have to admit that I do miss Tom. Maybe calling one more truce is not such a bad idea. As I think about that I don't notice Ivy getting up and heading towards the little stage where there is a band playing. When I finally notice that she is gone, I see with horror that she is speaking with the band leader and that he is handing her the mike. But then it gets worse.

"Hello everybody! I'm Ivy Lynn and I want to sing a song with the delightful Julia Houston."  
And as everyone begins to turn towards the stage with curiosity, Ivy makes gestures at me to come and join her on the stage.

I ponder my options. I could politely refuse but it feels as if I would be ruining the evening. After all, a little singing could be fun. It has been such a long time since I haven't acted crazy in a bar. Eventually I awkwardly stand up and make my way to the stage, with as much dignity as my inebriate state allows me to.

When I finally reach the stage, the music starts playing and Ivy flashes me her brightest smile. She seems to have drunk just as much as I have. It doesn't take long before we're both belting out some of Marilyn's most famous tunes. It seems that Marilyn has invaded both our lives, and, even with my clouded judgement tonight, I can't help but think that Ivy was and would be perfect for the role.

When we're finally ready to call it a night, the whole room is cheering for us and it feels so damn good. We grab both our coats and start looking for a cab, arm-in-arm. The only thing missing from this night is you. Except for that, it was perfect.


	14. Surprise!

**Thanks for everyone who is sticking to this story. I've got a nice surprise for you, and I hope you'll like it. Don't forget to tell me what you thought of it afterwards!**

It's far less perfect the next morning. There is a knocking on my door and it feels as if it's on my head. My brain feels as if it is being crushed and, as I make a move to get up, it gets ten times worse. How much exactly did I drink last night? I don't recall being such a wreck after just a innocent night out, but it may be because it's been a long time since the last time I've done it.

Anyway, I fight through the pain and awkwardly make it to the door, wondering who would come knocking at such an early hour. I don't recall telling anyone that I'm living here, except for Ivy and Derek of course, but somehow I feel like Derek wouldn't be the kind of person to come knocking on my door and Ivy would probably be buried under her covers right now, just as hungover as I am.

I think for a second about what I'm wearing. My large T-shirt doesn't cover much and I should probably find some pants, but the buzzing in my head keeps me from doing that. Better to keep my movements to a strict minimum. Whoever is on the other side of that door will have to deal with my hungover self. I don't really care what people think of me anymore anyway.

I finally manage to open the door and can't help but shriek, even though it triggers the worst pain in my brain. "Michael?!" I immediately raise my hand to my head and close my eyes, trying to ease the sudden pain. What are you doing here? And with Artie? I can't seem to make sense of the situation and the throbbing pain in my head isn't really helping me.

"Surprise!" I'm thankful for the soft tone you use. It's probably not really hard to figure out than I'm in no shape to handle any loud noises but I love you for noticing and acting in consequence. You don't wait any longer to take me in your arms and we share the hug that I've been needing ever since our whole affair came out.

I reluctantly pull out of your arms, seeing that Artie is beginning to get impatient. "Do you want to come in?"

"Sure." You both come in and I lead you to the couch, quickly removing the papers covering it. I haven't really been in a cleaning mood lately.

I have so much questions but I don't want to assault you with them. You're here and that's already great. I would feel fine just watching you, but somehow I feel like Artie would find it weird. I don't know what you told him. I don't know why he is here with you. I don't know anything actually. I need some answers. After all these days wondering about my future, I need to know where we stand. But I can't really do that in front of Artie, can I? And Ivy's apartment may be great but he is way too small for us to have a discussion without Artie hearing it.

You are apparently going through the same process of thoughts in your head because you suddenly light up. "What about you get dressed and we go to the park? Artie could play with the kids there and we could talk."

I look into your eyes and smile. I have missed your eyes. Nobody looks at me like you do. No wonder Ivy thinks she knows everything about us. It's all written in our eyes. The love I see in it makes me want to come closer and cuddle with you for hours. But Artie is here and I can't do that, no matter how much I thought about it while you were away. "Sounds like a good idea. Help yourselves with what you find in the kitchen, I'll be in the bathroom."

And I go into the bathroom, unsure of what I'll end up doing if I stay any longer in your presence. But when I come out of the shower, I see you at the door. You've closed it behind you and I have a weird feeling about this. I raise an inquisitive eyebrow and you hand me a towel. "I was wondering if you would want me to make you some coffee."

You're staring at my eyes in order not to look elsewhere, but I know that you haven't missed me coming out of the shower, entirely naked. It's written in your eyes. There is that longing that I know so well, because it mirrors mine perfectly. But we both know that Artie is in the kitchen and we wouldn't want to start anything we wouldn't be able to stop now. That's why I'm grateful for the towel and the coffee offer, even if I can't help but shiver when your hand touches mine as I grab the towel.

You pretend you don't notice, and I do the same. However the air is filled with tension between us, and we can't do anything but notice. "I would love some. Thank you." I turn my back to you and start applying some make-up. But I don't hear you leaving the room, quite the opposite actually. A few seconds later your hot breath is on my neck and I shudder. I close my eyes and your lips replace your breath as you gently kiss my neck. It's gentle and timid but it sets off the most wonderful feeling in me. I've missed you so much.

The next thing I know, my mind suddenly stops thinking and I turn around before grabbing your face with both hands and kissing you passionately. For a few seconds I completely forget that Artie is just one room away. I forget everyone else. There is just you. And apparently you forget everyone else too because you press me against the sink and moan into my mouth.

My lipstick falls in the sink and it takes me back to what is really happening. I gently push you away and we both try to catch our breath. "We can't do that now, your son is in the other room."

"Yeah, you're right. I'll make you that coffee then." And you quickly escape the room, probably as surprised as I am by what just happened. How come we always lose control around each other? Why can't we just act like two normal adults and handle our feelings?

I meet you back in the kitchen and you hand me a cup of coffee. I gladly take it and join you at the table. Fortunately the headache I had is almost gone. I don't know if it's the shower or you, but apparently something did the work.

I smile to Artie. I have never really spent time with him but he looks like a cool kid. He reminds me of Leo when he was younger. When everything was simpler. "So, Artie, do you like Seattle?" I don't really know how to talk to him. I still don't know who he thinks I am. I really do need to have that conversation with you.

He nods at me shyly and I smile back.  
"I don't know how he does it. I've only spent one week there and I couldn't handle the weather! Gotta love the rain."  
"I think your father is made out of sugar, Artie."

We both laugh at you and you playfully throw a piece of bread at me. My offended face makes Artie laugh even harder. This is going far better than I ever thought it would. We almost look like a family. I don't know if I should think about that yet. I'm probably getting far ahead of myself, but I'd like to get along with your son if we are starting something serious. And we are, aren't we?

This question is haunting me. But if you're here, both of you, with me, it means that you want me to be a part of your life, doesn't it? You would have stayed in Seattle if it wasn't the case, wouldn't you? I sigh as all these questions begin invading my head and you give me a quizzical look. "Everything's okay?"  
"Yes, I just have a lot of questions, that's all."  
"You're right. We've some things to discuss. We'll wash the dishes later, let's go to the park."

"Yay!" Artie claps his hands, apparently really excited about going to the park.  
You send him to wash his hands in the bathroom while we clean the table. I check that he is really gone before speaking again. "Are you sure you're okay with us going to the park together after that whole article thing?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I don't care about what people may think, I love you and I'll go to the park with you if I want to. That's our business and nobody else's." But he suddenly looks concerned. "What about you? You're okay with it?"

"Yeah. I've kind of stopped thinking about what people may think too." And as I say it, I realize that it's true. Why would I care of what other people may think when you make me that happy? After all, in the end happiness is what matters most. And hearing you say that you love me is definitely one of the greatest happiness there is.

I lean forward to kiss you but quickly back off as Artie makes his comeback into the room. I instantly blush and I know that we won't fool him long. I love you too much to be able to cover it.


	15. Let's do this

**I'm sorry if this chapter is mainly made of talks but Michael and Julia really had a lot to talk about. And I hope this will answer every question you had! =)**

We finally make it to the park and Artie quickly runs off to play with some kids, as you said he would. I have to admit that he is really cute and I wouldn't mind getting to know him better. And I do hope Leo wouldn't mind either. He has always wanted to have a little sister or a little brother and with time I hope he will consider Artie like one. At least, if that is what you have in store for us. That's what I still have to find out.

"So, how come you're back in New York so soon? And with Artie?"

"That's kind of a long story."

I smile, don't you think that is the kind of long story I want to know? "I have all day."

"Well, it's not that long of a story!" You laugh and I realize how much I've missed it. I love hearing you laugh. We both sit on a bench and I turn towards you, waiting for that long, but not so long, story. And I'm already devouring you with my eyes, not even minding what you have to say.

"I was surprised that you weren't calling. After the way we left each other, I was kind of hoping you would call as soon as possible. I couldn't go a day without hearing your voice, and I assumed it was the same for you. But then I saw the article and I thought that it was the reason why you weren't calling. It had somehow made you change your mind about us and I accepted it, no matter how much I hated it."

I rub your arm and you can see in my eyes that there isn't any article that could make me change my mind. But I don't interrupt you to throw in any cheesy comment and you go on.

"But then I was having a hard time fully accepting it and I tried to call you. Your phone was disconnected, which I found odd. I tried to call Tom but he didn't really give me a warm welcome so I began to think that I had done something wrong and that he was pissed at me because I had hurt you. This wouldn't have been the first time. I desperately tried to figure out why and Monica got angry at me because I was concerned about you when I should supposedly have been concerned about my family. She inadvertently told me about what she had told you on the phone and we got into a big fight. She finally understood that we wouldn't get back together, even if she assumed I should have been asking for it since she was the one to throw me out in the first place, and she accepted that this whole 'family thing' in Seattle was a joke. That's how I got to bring Artie to New York for two weeks."

"That's awesome! I'm glad you both figured it out."

"Yeah, that's great. I'm sorry about that phone call though. She shouldn't have done that."

"Don't worry about it. You didn't have anything to do with it and Ivy figured it out pretty quickly, preventing me from going completely crazy anyway."

"We're lucky that Ivy is the queen of complicated relationships then!" You laugh once again and I melt. That laugh is the only thing I need to cheer me up. I can't help but notice that you really do seem happier now that you have sorted things out with Monica. Or maybe it's because you have Artie for two weeks. I know how much you missed him.

"There is still something that I don't understand. How did you find me?"

"Well, you didn't really make it easy for me. I tried Tom at first and got the same icy answer as in Seattle. But I insisted and he told me that I should try to ask Ivy, that she wouldn't tell him where you were but that she obviously knew. I called her and she seemed really happy to hear that I was back and she told me to go straight to her apartment. And you know the rest." You pause for a second and I see that you want to talk about something but are afraid of how I'll react. Finally you decide to try it anyway. "What's up between you and Tom?"

I quickly loose my smile too. I have been trying not to think too much about Tom and talking about it is only going to ruin the moment. "It's complicated."

You immediately catch on to the fact that I don't want to talk about it and drop the subject. You know that eventually we will talk about it, just not today. Today is about celebrating you coming back. We'll talk about it another day and, if I haven't made up with Tom on my own by then, you will convince me to do it. We both know it, so there is no use in arguing about it.

A smile makes its way back on your face and I know that you've saved the Tom conversation for another day. "So, what was that hangover about?"

I find myself back in a playful mood too. "What hangover?"

"Oh come on! I know a hangover when I see one. And you, my dear, you certainly had a lot to drink last night."

"Isn't a girl allowed to party when her man is away?"

"I'm your man?" You're making fun of me but you can't fool me. I know that this is making you way more than happy that I think of you that way. That's why I don't even bother answering, I prefer stealing you a kiss instead. And obviously you do too because your hands find a grip in my hair and you deepen the kiss. And this time I let you. Not because Artie is any further than he was in the apartment. He is actually still pretty close. But because I don't want to stop you. I have had enough self-control for the day. You're back and apparently nothing has changed since you left. You still want me.

Eventually we both draw back for air and we laugh at how desperate that kiss was. We really are acting like two teenagers. But two happy teenagers, and that's what matters.

I look at your son one more time, wondering if he saw that. But he is way too focused on the sand castle that he is building with another boy, and I don't know if I should be thankful or not. "Have you told Artie?"

"Yes."

My eyes widen. I wasn't really expecting that answer. I was thinking of something more in the line of 'I'm thinking about it, I have to find the right way'. My incredulous expression is apparently hilarious to you because you laugh one more time. My surprised face doesn't change though, so you suddenly become more serious.

"I'm all in, Jules. Completely and utterly in. And that means that I want you to be a part of my life, but also of my son's life. If you want to of course. But he should at least know the person with whom I'm planning on spending the rest of my life."

I can't help but hug you and for once the tears that threaten to roll on my cheeks are from joy and not from desperation. "Of course I want to! There isn't anything that would make me happier."

"Really? Because I had something else that I wanted to discuss with you and, without being pretentious, I think it will top it."

I pull back from the hug, waiting to hear another good news. This day is really making up for the whole disastrous week I've had.

"You remember my old apartment? The one you've always said was too big for me to live alone in. Well, I contacted the landlord and he was more than happy to sell it too me, and I was wondering if you would move in with me."

You're right. This is even better than you including me in your son's life. Of course I knew that this would eventually have happened, but I had no idea you were already thinking about it. And more than thinking about it apparently because you slip a key in my hand. I stare at it for a few minutes, not believing that this is really happening. Your voice pulls me back to reality. "So? Are you in?"

"I'm in. I'm all in. Let's do this."

And there is nothing that can top the expression that I see in your eyes right now. Nothing.


	16. Actual sleeping

**Almost didn't make it in time! You would think that with winter break I have more time, well apparently you would be wrong. Someone needs to teach me how to manage my time better. But back to the story. It's time for Leo to come into it. I know that most of you don't really like him but just picture him played by an actor that you like better. And tell me what you think afterwards!**

"Leo?"

"Yes, mom?"

"I have bad news and something to ask you that you probably won't like."

"Well, that's a good introduction!"

I laugh in the phone and he does too. Somehow I thought that he would take the news of the divorce really bad and end up not talking to me, but apparently he saw it coming. Or at least he is pretending like he did. That doesn't mean that he is totally on board with me and you, -he cringes every time I mention your name-, but at least he still wants to be a part of my life, and that's already more that what I could have been asking for.

"I can't make it tonight. You know, I told you about the guy who wanted to put us on Broadway?"

"Yeah, you were supposed to meet him today."

"Well, he showed up late, so the meeting is tonight."

"Bummers. We can always do it another night though."

"Yes, of course."

"Okay then, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Wait, that's not it. I have something to ask you."

"Oh, how could I forget the thing I wouldn't like?"

Once again I laugh, knowing that he will be a lot less playful when he will actually hear what I need him to do. But suddenly I hear someone clearing its throat behind me and turns to see Eileen poking her head through the door. She is making signs at her watch and I know that I have to go back in the room. No time for sugarcoating things.

"I need you to babysit Artie."

"Artie?"

"Michael's son."

Silence. I have no problem imagining Leo's face right now. He is probably wincing as he does every time he is reminded of the man who supposedly broke up his parents' marriage. But I have really no time for nursing his feelings right now and prefer trying to rush off the conversation to the point where he will have to say yes.

"I know that it's the last thing that you want to do, but I really need you to do that. Think of it as something you're doing for me, and only for me. The babysitter Michael had hired is leaving in one hour and he won't be back before much later this evening since we need him tonight too. She can't stay longer and we can't seem to find anyone on such short notice. You're great with kids. Please."

I hear him sighing on the other end of the phone and I know that I've convinced him. I also know that I will have to make it back to him later somehow, but right now that doesn't matter. My goal was to find a babysitter and I got one. And maybe he will end up loving Artie and start to accept him as part of the family, and you too by the same occasion. A woman can dream.

"Fine. I'll do it. I'll be there in one hour."

"Thank you so much! You're an angel. The best son a mother could have."

He snorts and I can picture him rolling his eyes at me, even though he is not in the room. I quickly hang up the phone and come back into the room where everyone is getting in position. I raise my thumb at you to inform you that he is doing it and find my chair. You seem really surprised, and frankly so am I. Even though I was hoping that I would manage to convince him, I hadn't really thought that I would actually manage to do it. But I have no time to think about it as Eileen is already giving instructions to everyone. If we want to earn our spot on Broadway we all need to concentrate on our work.

* * *

When we finally make it to our floor, it's already midnight. That man was exhausting, but I guess that when you have the chance to open on Broadway, you're ready to do whatever it takes. And he left the rehearsal space with quite an enthusiastic smile, so we might have our chance. We're not supposed to be celebrating yet but the moral was good, and we couldn't really refuse the few drinks that were so kindly offered.

As we stumble out of the elevator, we're both light-headed, either from the joy of making it to Broadway or from the alcohol, and I trip over my own foot. You catch me instantly, but your balance isn't the best either and we both crash against the wall of the corridor. We both try to muffle our hysterical laughter as that happens, not looking forward to awaken our new neighbors.

We suddenly notice that our bodies are pressed against each other and it doesn't take us much more time to take advantage of the situation. Soon our laughter is muted by the fusion of our lips and it would have gone much further than that if Leo hadn't opened the door at that exact same time.

He gasps and his hands fly to his eyes. "Mom! Gross!"

You quickly take a step back and we both look at our feet, embarrassed of our slightly inebriated state, probably because we can't really blame it on the little dose of alcohol we drank.

I take a step towards Leo and puts my hand on his back, a gesture that makes him jump. "I'm sorry. What do you say we all go to bed now?"

He takes his hand away from his face and go through the door. "As long as it involves actual sleeping, and nothing else."

I blush and when I see the look in your eyes my cheeks go from pink to red. Apparently Leo is not the only one that saw another meaning in my words. I'm grateful that he has his back turned to us right now because he wouldn't like the glances we exchange.

When he finally turns towards us, my face has almost found its natural color back and you've stopped trying to place your hands everywhere on my body.

"So? Where do I sleep?"

I gesture towards a door at the end of the corridor. "You can use that room. I was actually hoping that you would use it more often. It's kind of... well... your room."

"Really?"

We both nod at him and I can see that he is touched that we thought of him. He might not be ready to be a part of this family, but that family has already accepted him as one. It was obvious that both Leo and Artie needed to have a room of their own in our apartment, especially since we had so many. That wasn't even up for discussion.

"Thanks." He is only looking at me, and even though I love what I see in his eyes, I wish that he could look at you too. You've already told me that you completely understand that he needs more time to adjust to all of this, but I can't help it if it hurts me. I love you and I wish he would too.

That's why I grab your hand and gives you a loving look that surprises you, before turning my focus back to him. "Well, we wouldn't have bought an apartment without a room for you."

He nods and for a second he is looking at you, but that doesn't last much longer. One step at a time I guess. At least he is not being aggressive towards you. Things could be worse. And he is sleeping here tonight, so you could say that things are improving.

We all snap out of the silent moment that follows eventually. It's Leo who makes the first move. He takes his eyes away from the entanglement of our hands and walks towards his bedroom. "Good night." There is a smile on his face as he says it and we mirror it as we wish him a good night too.

When he has closed his door, you look at me and I can see that you have an idea in mind. "Actual sleeping, um?"

I put on a playful smile too. "Yes, actual sleeping."

You put your hands around my hips and whisper in my ear. "You're no fun."

And my resolution is already melting. What is it about you?


	17. My cooking skills are just fine

**Get ready for some fluffy family time. These holidays have me in a good mood and I think that this little family deserves some good time together.**

The following morning we're woken up by the warm strands of sun coming through the window. It's the weekend and I would very much like to sleep in so I cuddle up in your arms and close my eyes again. I could get used to waking up like this every morning. But you apparently have another idea in mind because you turn me around so that I face you, and kiss my nose playfully, laughing at me squinting my eyes, trying to adjust to the bright light filling the room. You sit up and I shiver at the lost of contact. Why on earth would you want to get up now, when we could just as easily enjoy a nice morning in bed?

But I'm curious, so instead of burying my face in the pillow again, I also sit up and watch you get up. You pick up one of your T-shirts and throw it at me, laughing when instead of catching it, I let it fall next to me. Do you really think that I have reflexes this early in the morning?

"Leo and Artie are going to be up soon. What do you say we surprise them with a nice family breakfast?"

You don't wait for my answer and head towards the kitchen. I was ready to tell you that I'm no help in the kitchen and I could as well stay in bed, but it's a lot less fun without you. And my cranky morning mood left as soon as you mentioned _family _breakfast. I love the thought of us being a family, and I don't even care if it involves cooking.

I slowly come out of the bed, slip on your T-shirt and some panties and go to find you in the kitchen. You've already taken everything you needed out of the kitchen cabinets and you're focused on your cooking. It seems that you've everything under control so I decide on just watching you. Well, maybe not just watching. I discretely plunge my finger in the pancake batter and licks it slowly. When I look up I notice that your eyes are fixated on me and your mouth is agape.

I chuckle and you roll your eyes. "Not only are you not helping, but you're also distracting me."

"Me? Distracting you? I'm just admiring your handiwork."

"Well, what about you chop some fruits instead."

You take the bowl of batter away from me and replace it with a knife and some fruits. I sheepishly start to chop them and a comfortable silence settles between us, punctuated by some laughs about the awkward pieces of fruits I'm providing. Cooking definitely isn't my forte.

The ring of my phone startles us both and I quickly try to locate the sound. When I finally find it, I look up the caller ID and put the phone away. I go back to my knife, with a little less enthusiasm than before. You immediately notice and give me a quizzical look. "Tom?"

I nod, but don't add anything. He has been trying to call me for a few days now and I still don't have the courage to pick up and work things out with him.

"Why don't you take his calls?"

"It's complicated."

"I let it go last time, but I'm going to need a little more than that this time. You can't go that long without talking to him, we both know that. What happened?"

"Nothing in particular. It's just that I feel like he is always putting the show before me, and that's not what a best friend should be doing."

I don't want to tell you that you have a big role in our dispute. The thing is that he is not really putting the show before me, but rather before our relationship. When I'm having troubles with my family, he backs me up at work. When I'm having troubles because I'm running after you, then it's all about the show. He says that he wants me to be happy and that if you're the one who is going to make me happy, he is supporting us, but it's not entirely true. And the fact that my best friend is not supporting our relationship is killing me. I know I shouldn't be looking for his approval, but I always am, at least on some level. That's how we've always worked. We discuss about our lives and try to make reasonable decisions together. But this time I decided not to make the reasonable decision and followed my heart instead, and I feel like it's drawing a wedge between us.

You know that I'm not telling you everything but you don't really push further. "I know I probably don't have all the information, but you should talk and try to work things out with him. I know that he is the most important man in your life and you can't lose him."

I nod and go back to my small task. Soon we're back in a playful mood and I'm done with the fruits. I climb on the kitchen counter and watch you cook from where I'm sitting. "Second."

You turn towards me, puzzled. "What?"

"Tom is the second most important man in my life."

"Well, then consider that the first one would really like you to make up with the second one."

I raise my eyebrows at you playfully. "I never said that you were the first one! It could be Leo."

You roll your eyes one more time and go back to your cooking. You have an amused smile that won't go away and I find it really sexy. I quietly slip off the counter and surprise you by placing my arms around your waist, and gently starts to kiss your neck.

I can feel you smiling without even looking.

"Woman, you're distracting me. I'm going to burn these pancakes."

"It's my revenge. I've burnt a lot of pancakes thinking of you, and now it's your turn."

"Are you sure that it was because of me, and not because of your poor cooking skills?"

"Entirely certain. My cooking skills are just fine."

"I think this apple begs to differ-" I cut you half sentence by capturing your lips with my owns and you drop the really badly cut apple on the floor. You turn off the stove, knowing damn well that it's the only way to save your pancakes and turn around to deepen the kiss.

What we're both unaware of is the fact that at that exact moment Leo decides to give us some privacy and go back to his room. He had been waken up by my phone and had seen us in the kitchen, not sure if he should interrupt or not. He had just stood there watching for a while, listening to our conversation, smiling from time to time. He had realized how happy we both were and although his heart had first clenched at the sight of you cooking, just like his father had so many times, he had started to get used to it. Of course you would never replace his father, but you were making me happy and it was enough for him.

Ten minutes later he comes back with Artie holding his hand and the sight has both of us grinning like idiots. I self-consciously pull on the T-shirt you gave me, trying to cover more than just the top of my thighs but quickly give up. After all, nobody seems to care. We're family.

We all sit at the table and start helping ourselves with the amazing breakfast you cooked us, enjoying a wonderful Saturday morning together. Surprisingly Leo seems really relaxed, and I can't help but wonder what made him change his mind. Of course he won't tell me that it's the result of him shamelessly spying on us, and even if he did, I wouldn't mind. I know it isn't that much but for me it's everything when he looks right into your eyes with a smile and asks you how the performance went last night. It's a banal conversation but it means everything when you consider that it's the first time he actually speaks directly at you since he found out about us.

I let you talk and stare at you two, beaming. You soon notice my strange behavior and call me out on it, but I just keep on smiling. Nothing is going to bring me down today.

"Mom, you're really acting weird, what's going on? What are you smiling about?"

"Nothing, honey. I'm just happy." I push my food around with my fork and since he is still staring I try to launch him on another topic. "How did it go with Artie last night? You never told us."

You put your arm around Artie and he giggles in response. "I hope this little devil didn't bother you too much." Another giggle escapes when you start tickling him.

Leo laughs with us before answering. "Actually, he was really nice. We watched Robin Hood and he immediately fell asleep."

"Oh, no! You watched Robin Hood! I'm afraid we're going to go back to the bow and arrows phase, aren't we?"

"Oh yes, daddy! Can we please play with the bow and arrows?"

"Since you said please, alright. But first you gotta finish your plate. Then I'm sure Leo will be happy to play with you." Artie is already beaming but suddenly you seem to remember something and you turn towards Leo. "If you're staying of course. I don't know what your plans are for the day."

"I think I'll just stay here and play with Artie, see who aims the best!"

"I do." And we all burst out laughing at the conviction in the little boy's voice.

While Michael and Artie are clearing the plates away, or rather while Michael is clearing the plates away and Artie is following him around telling him about every character in Robin Hood, I grab Leo's hand and squeeze it. "Thank you for doing this. It means a lot."

"It's no worries, really. I actually really like Artie. He is a cool kid."

"Yes, he is. And so are you." I press a kiss on his forehead and he laughs, embarrassed by the gesture, but I couldn't care less.


	18. What if it fades?

**Sorry about last week, I got really busy. I hope you'll forgive me after that chapter. And I would love to hear what you think and what your thoughts are on where this story should be going, I'm kind of stuck.**

Cuddled on the sofa, we both watch Artie and Leo playing with a big smile on our faces. I have a mug in my hand and you're holding the other one, absentmindedly rubbing the back of it with your thumb. We look like the perfect happy family and I still can't believe it. One week ago I was crying in Ivy's apartment, thinking that I had lost you forever, and now here we are, acting like the perfect couple. And I can't help but watch out for the next bump in the road. My heart has been hurt before and it has lost its confidence.

There are so many things that could go wrong. There are still so many people that don't respect us as a couple. So many people that can't accept a couple born from infidelity. And I don't blame them. We're starting on bad grounds. How can we trust each other when we know we have already broken the sacred bound of relationships before? Of course it was to be with each other, but doesn't it mean that our heart can easily be stolen by someone else?

I brush that thought away, telling myself that it's because we have something special that knows no boundary and that we can't find with anybody else. But what if I'm wrong? What if in five years, ten maybe, I fall in love with someone else? Or what if you're the one to find somebody else? What if our relationship flickers like the one I had with Frank did?

I'm starting to panic and you immediately take notice. My eyes hold a certain kind of sadness that has no reason to be there and I have that wrinkle on the forehead, the one I have every time I'm thinking about something unpleasant. And you've known me long enough to recognize the signs. You gently squeeze my hand and draw my attention. "Hey, what's going on?"

I shake my head and try to pull off a smile, in a desperate attempt at hiding my thoughts from you. "Nothing." But seeing the look on your face it failed. I see the concern in your eyes and I'm submerged by love, like every time I look into your eyes. It usually warms my heart but this time it causes a single tear to escape my eyes and roll onto my cheek. I don't ever want this love to go away and somehow I managed to convince myself that it can only end badly.

You don't let go of my hand and use the other one to brush the tear away. Seeing that I'm still not talking, you start moving off the couch and walk towards the bedroom. Your hand is still gripping mine and I don't want to ever let go, so naturally I follow you. I look over my shoulder for a second and find some relief in the fact that Artie and Leo haven't noticed the way we left the living room. I'm already creating enough drama out of nowhere by myself, I don't need to bring any more persons into it.

You sit on the bed and I do the same before sighing. I feel stupid. Really stupid. Why can't I focus on how happy I am right now instead of thinking about how our relationship might come to an end one day? And there it is. I'm thinking about it again and I feel the now familiar stinging sensation in my eyes. You probably think that I'm crazy. I feel like I'm on this roller-coaster of emotions, and you never know what's coming next and it's scary.

I've never realized that I was this broken before. When did it happen exactly? And why? A broken marriage and a relationship that shouldn't be don't do that to a person, do they? But maybe I've been playing with my feelings for far too long now, trying to force them one way or another. Apparently they didn't want to be controlled and now they're having their revenge. I don't have any control left. I'm a mess.

You look at me with a powerless expression. You don't understand what's happening and to be truthful, neither do I. It makes me chuckle through my tears and you look even more confused. You capture both my hands and squeeze them. You wait for our eyes to connect before talking. "Jules, what's going on?"

I let go of your hands and bring mine to my face, trying to wipe the tears away. "It's stupid."

"No, it's not. Not if it makes you cry. Tell me, Jules. You can tell me anything."

"You'll tell me that it's stupid."

"I promise I won't. Just tell me. I can't help you if you don't tell me."

I've managed to bring the tears down to a certain minimum and I start searching my brain for the words that could explain how I feel. But it's all tangled in a mess that I can't decipher. One look at your pleading eyes and I know that I have to give you something anyway. Even if it doesn't make sense. "I don't want this thing we have together to ever go away. I don't want to cheat again. I don't want my love for you to disappear, to turn into the love you have for a friend. I love you too much for that." I don't know if you understood everything through all my sobbing. I'm not even sure there is something to understand. I'm looking at my hands, now resting on my lap, and the only thing I feel is the burning sensation of tears on my cheeks.

You're looking at me with eyes wide open in surprise, but I don't see that. You're apparently trying to understand where that all came from. It seems like I'm the only one looking for all the ways this could go wrong. And in a sense I'm glad that it's the case. We need at least one of us to look into the future with bright eyes, we can't have two basket cases expecting to get hurt.

After a few minutes you've regained some of your composure and your smile is back in place. You gently lift my chin with your hand and force me to look into your optimistic eyes. "I love you too and this will never go away. I know it's stupid to think that love lasts forever. Both our lives prove that-" You find yourself forced to bring my face up again because your last words weren't the hopeful ones I was expecting at all, and I suddenly feel like I don't want to listen to them anymore. "But I must be stupid because I strongly believe that our love for each other will never die. It can't. Not after all we've been through-"

Once again I find myself skeptical. It's not because you've decided to be an incorrigible optimist that I can do the same as easily. "But what if it fades anyway?"

"I promise you that I will do anything so that it never fades. I won't let it turn into just friendship. I will never cheat and I will make sure that you never feel the need to either. I'll never forget how I feel about you today. How I love everything about you. How I want to make you happy more than anything else in the world. How kissing you feels like I'm flying with angels. How every moment we spend together makes my feelings grow even stronger. I'll be at your side until my last breath and our love will never go away."

There is a part of my brain that still has a lot of objections that could ruin your beautiful speech but the other part takes a hammer and smashes it. You're here with me and making me all these promises and I would be a fool for ruining that. It feels right in the moment and I start to believe that maybe you're telling the truth. And even if you're not, even if someday things don't turn out exactly the way we wanted them to, we still have today. Today I love you and today you love me back. That should be enough, and maybe it is.

There is now a wide smile on my tear-streaked face and I throw my arms around your neck, pressing my lips into yours. You kiss me back softly, trying to convey all the feelings that you can't put into words, glad that you were able to defuse the ticking bomb that I was without too much difficulty. The thing I don't know is that I've made you think too. And you've taken a decision.

You've decided that from here on, you would do anything to make this family happy. You've realized that this was the happiness you had always been looking for. This is it. Right now, right there, and there is no letting it go. Ever.


End file.
